“Don’t get jaded, you’re still living the dream.”
I had been sitting on Facebook chat for the better part of an hour, trying to compose myself and praying that a friend would sign on. The time difference was 17 hours and it was a rarity that I had an opportunity to chat with my best friends from back home.
I had just gone through a particularly rough breakup and it was still affecting me quite a bit.
Without any friends, family, or anyone at all, really, I was having a tough time recovering.
Finally, she signed on and I told her my woes. That above quote is what she said to be me before saying she was busy and signing off, completely unaware of how rocked I was.
What right did I have to complain? I was out living the dream and she was stuck at work. Surely I must know how lucky I was.
Lucky to have had my heart broken, be kicked out of my domicile, and have to completely rework my life plans, that is.
Flash forward a few weeks. I would find myself picking my backpack off the wet asphalt as the bus attendant ran like a madman back on the bus, hoping for a quick getaway before I’d realize my bag was completely and entirely soaked. The undercarriage where my backpack had been stowed clearly leaked during the flash flooding.
Covered in mud and dirty water, I made my way to the dorm and discovered that some money had been taken from my bag as well. My belongings were mostly soaked, and my computer had only narrowly escaped a complete waterlogging situation.
It was also my birthday.
It was not a good day.
Several months later, I sat on the floor in the living room of a complete stranger in Java. His wife stole sideways glances at me and gave me no response when I said to her, “Selamat pagi! Apa kabar?” (Good morning! How are you?) I had just spent almost 16 hours on a bus, the sun had only just risen, and I had exhausted the extent of my Indonesian language abilities.
How the hell did I end up here?
I had missed my stop. The driver had called a friend to drive me to where I wanted to go. What ensued was a massive scam to get me to pay an insane amount for a home-stay. It ended up being a 24-hour travel day with no sleep before I finally made it to my (very dirty) guest house room after much head shaking and refusals on my part.
It was Ramadan and there was nowhere to buy food. For the second day in a row, I knew I would be subsisting on a junk food diet.
I went to sleep that night alone, in a bed smelling of cigarettes, with no internet, TV, or anything other than my own mind to keep me company.
What I mean by all this is, just because I travel, instead of sitting behind a desk, doesn’t mean that I don’t have the same exact problems as I always did. In fact, they are often far worse.
Things can and do go horribly amiss on the road, but that’s not what anyone talks about when posting uplifting quotes about following your dreams:
Simply put: it’s not that simple.
Heartbreak still happens. In fact, it happens a lot more. Loneliness hits, and it hits very hard. In a room full of people, it can sometimes feel so lonely, because you can’t burden a complete stranger with the weight of your real problems. You can’t say, “you know what keeps me up at night? You know what makes each day a battle for me right now?” That’s what dear friends and family are for, but they are thousands of miles away.
Travel doesn’t solve matters of the heart, wallet, physical addiction, or mental anguish. Anyone who travels running away from these problems will just run right into them on the road. They must be confronted eventually.
Long-term traveling is not a life path covered in roses, rainbows, and well-behaved puppy dogs that never piss on the floor. Anyone who expects it to be is in for a rude awakening.
Yet, on a more positive note, there are some things it did change for the better. I am so much nicer now. Frankly, at times, I could be kind of a beast. Some people might argue I still can be, but the claws come out much less often now. I don’t tap my foot and get huffy if I have to wait for things, I let people pass in front of me on the freeway now instead of speeding up so that they can’t get over, and I am A LOT more patient.
My eyes are much more open to the possibilities that lie before me. Sometimes that’s a blessing, and at other times a curse. I realize now that a conventional life is not necessary, and while it may shock and scare a lot of people, I don’t have to walk a normal path. I can find ways to wander forever. Most other long-term travelers start to realize this, too.
There are astoundingly beautiful moments constantly, and I get to experience them.
You see, it’s not that I’m not thankful, it’s that sometimes, travel sucks and sometimes, it blows my mind with sheer ecstasy.
What do you think? Are you a long-term traveler who has run into this reality? Am I a brat who needs to be less jaded?
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Chana S says
I expected you to know better than to leave cash in your bag though ._. Also, transparent relationships is succch a big problem when traveling.
Jimmy Dau says
It can’t be rainbows, fairtales and unicorns all the time. Deep down regardless of what we do and where we are we’re still vulnerable to lifes challenges and need friends, family and the securities and comfort that come with them. A little bitching and moaning is always necessary. We’re only human after all 🙂
Kristin says
Thanks 🙂
Franca says
I don’t think you are a brat at all. Being a long term traveler too I know exactly how you must have felt when you had those not so nice moments. I had similar situations and times when I simply wished I was in my own bed with all my comforts, then the following days brought so much happiness and surprises that I realized there was no other place I wanted to be rather than that.
Kristin says
Very true. That happens a lot too 🙂
Rika | Cubicle Throwdown says
Totally not a brat!! I’m feeling the same frustration as an expat. Yeah, I live at the beach, but my power goes out, there’s tarantulas and snakes all over, I barely make enough money to live, if the water truck can’t get in the road I run out of water, and all kinds of other challenges not to mention I still deal with plenty of stupid customers 🙂 The islanders won’t let a gringo complain here for one second – it’s always “if you don’t like it, LEAVE”… I guess if they move to North America they’re not allowed to complain about anything either! A bad day can happen anywhere 🙂
Kristin says
True the “if you don’t like it, leave,” thing is easy to say until you get somewhere new and catch yourself complaining too!
Jason says
Great post! I’ve learned that anytime I want to get something off of my chest to friends and family back in the States the universal response is – “Quit bitching, you are where you chose to be” and they’re right. I am where I chose to be. However, you are completely correct in the fact that living the dream often leaves a lot to be desired. I think everyone has days when they’d love to be back home in a comfortable familiar environment but I don’t think that makes us brats or weak people. To me, that’s what makes people strong. Knowing that you will not only have bad days and adversity but have to face them alone in a foreign culture is an amazingly difficult thing to choose to do. Stay strong, concentrate on the good stuff and remember -the crazier the situation is the better the story will eventually be!
Kristin says
Thanks for the uplifting response! I love your last point, the crazy situations do make the best stories
Ashley of Ashley Abroad says
Not a brat at all! Though I completely know what you mean- sometimes I feel so guilty talking to friends back home about my problems on the road when they are stuck in office jobs. And I also know what you mean about not being able to talk to anyone about your problems on the road- that’s one reason I’m excited to go home next week, because I just want to be around people who aren’t strangers and who I can actually talk to.
Kristin says
Oh wow you’re going home! Any plans of traveling again?
Michele says
Interesting we are a bit older than you and are heading off in a month. My friends are all sayig how lucky we are but I old enough to know life will not be sunshine and roses…that said it never is the challenges are all just different. Safe travels
Kristin says
Enjoy it. The beginning is so amazing
Ivan says
Thanks for the honest post Kirstin…as a long-term traveler I understand some of the things your going through. Just learn to go in, and learn to follow your intuition, travel as you know can be an amazing tool for inner growth. If you approach it with the right understanding. I don’t know if you meditate, if not try and incorporate it into your daily life. Take advantage of travelings main advantage, which is that it automatically puts you in a more alert, attentive state which you can use to observe yourself in a more objective way. I think you can relate to this post I wrote on how traveling changes you, and how you can use it to become more conscious. Would love your thoughts on it. http://freedomfromtheknown.com/how-traveling-changes-you/
Kristin says
I did a 10-day silent meditation last new year and it was so tough I haven’t meditated since! opposite of the desired effect I guess!
Alexandra says
Lovely bit of honesty. The road is full of bumps and while far from perfect and always a dream it s a road I wouldn’t exchange.
Kristin says
I’ve done that plenty!
Kristin says
I have done it solo since the beginning but always valued those I was friends with in the moment. It isn’t easy being home either. Nothing is ever easy, end of story!
Kristin says
Yes i do value the patience i’ve gained
Diane says
Enjoyed this post and it’s important to point out that things aren’t AMAZING all the time. Just because some of us choose to travel, live abroad, work in a cubicle, etc. doesn’t make life any more or less real. I think sometimes people perceive the grass as always being greener somewhere else and that’s not the case. The problems you describe are just life problems and can affect everyone regardless of where they are in the world or what they do for a living. I feel like people sometimes think that because you’re doing something they perceive as more desirable that you lose the right to be emotional/have bad days/complain/cry/whatever. In reality, life hits everyone hard.
Nora - The Professional Hobo says
Amen, sistah! On the road I’ve been caught in two natural disasters, had two disastrous break-ups, I’ve had dengue fever (in conjunction with one of those breakups), I’ve had my identity stolen, I was in a near-fatal head-on crash in the Caribbean, and most recently a house-guest(!) in Grenada stole my passport and thousands of dollars from me…4 days before I was to fly to Panama.
Travel sure ain’t roses and lollipops, and although folks back home are right – we chose this life – sometimes responses like that demonstrate a lack of understanding that we still need the love and support we got when we lived around the corner….even more so in some ways. Then again when they have their bad days they probably feel just as abandoned by us as we feel isolated by them.
I wrote a post a while ago rounding up all the crap that’s happened to me on the road, and my grandiose conclusion was indeed – that some of life’s MIS-adventures are the best adventures. At least they make our travel memoirs all the more colourful!
(Here’s the post, in case you’re interested: http://www.theprofessionalhobo.com/2013/06/brace-yourself-travel-isnt-all-roses-and-lollipops/)
Kristin says
A house guest stole from you?! That is HORRIBLY F-d up! I agree our friends probably do feel like we’re not around for them either. It’s hard. We do choose this life, though, and I wouldn’t change it just because it’s not perfect 🙂
Deia @ Nomad Wallet says
It doesn’t always turn out like it does on Eat Pray Love. 😉 Nice post! I think people romanticize long-term travel and think it’s all sunshine and roses. It’s tough when these same people are your friends who are supposed to sympathize when you have a bad day.
Kristin says
Nope it certainly doesn’t. I used to hold it in that high regard too and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, at first. After a while any lifestyle gets normal and difficult, though.
Anthea says
I keep telling people back at home, that my life exist just likes theirs.. in that; l have to get up, make breakfast and plan my day ….
Yet nobody believes me, that l face the same issues that they face in their ‘Life’.
They think that traveling the world is all perfect and harmonious ….
Im glad that you understand exactly what l mean!!
many thanks Kristen for such an open and frank article about one aspect of the Real Life of a Nomad.
However, saying all that .. l too, wouldn’t change my life style for anything!!
Lets hope 2014 brings happier memories
all the best,
Anthea
Kristin says
Thanks Anthea. I think it just goes to show life is life no matter how you live it. Ups and downs are always there.
Dan says
It just goes to show how strong travel makes you – you’re faced with unfortunate situations, and you do what’s required to improve them. It’s a show of great character and perseverance. Long term travel isn’t a walk in the park, and your experiences prove that. However, despite all of those terrible things; when the sun rises over a crystal clear ocean and you wake up, it’s another day and another chance to discover something amazing.
Stay safe Kristin.
– Dan
Kristin says
Thanks Dan. You’re totally right. Even on a bad day, it ends and the next day can be amazing.
Nina says
I have felt the same way! I will sometimes get angry as silly things that they do here in Thailand that don’t make sense and I get so upset like I haven’t been living with it for years now… I get over it. I look back and laugh at myself.
Sometimes I just want to stay home and not even deal with traveling when it’s in my backyard. I have been throughs similar situations…. I do in end realize I am lucky to be living this life. Even though our troubles, like you said, can be worse, it’s still a better life than the same same every day “normal” life back home. I’d much rather be annoyed out here with certain things than with my life in general back home!
Kristin says
Yes it’s all about perspective and realizing that the way things are now are truly better than what I left behind.
Lindsay says
Nope nope…not a brat at all. I’m 7 months into my first long term trip and I’ve had my moments where I’m like “OH yea look…. another cathedral…another beautiful sunset… WOW. THRILLING. It’s like the 20 others I’ve seen” <– I would be seeing this amazing thing and find so little joy and excitement in it. It made me so super sad and I felt like a brat as well.
Just three weeks ago when I arrived in Portugal I had the worst anxiety and just felt like WTF am I doing.. I got off my ass, got to walking, and just walked off my feelings as best I could — the next day I was feeling back to my "normal" nomadic happy self :-).
BUT– I have also had countless moments where I feel like I'm going to explode with happiness because I am living my travel dream and feel so freaking blessed.
When you are traveling for the long-term – it's your life! And life has it's up and downs as we all know. I've come to find that the best people to talk to when I'm feeling wonky is another traveler (perhaps even just the next person I see in the hostel). I love my friends back home but I just don't feel like they could relate when I want to bitch about feeling lonely or (insert another negative feelings here). Fellow travelers will listen, relate, and let ya get it all out there.
Therefore, if life is bound to have its ups and down…. I'd much rather be having my down in a place where I know something magical is just right around the corner and I'll be feeling better in no time 🙂
Happy Traveling!
Kristin says
I’m having one of those super grateful moments myself so it was really nice to come across your comment. There are definite drawbacks to this lifestyle, they’re big, gaping, and real, but there are so many benefits and it’s funny how one can outshine or overshadow the other so much and so quickly. Happy traveling to you as well! Here’s to another thrilling sunset.
Stephanie says
Haha, I love this!
Yes, you are living that dream but that doesn’t mean that everything is easy. On my travels I had extreme highs and extreme lows. It’s a tiring lifestyle too! You are following your passion though and for that you have to sacrifice a life of mediocrity for a life of horrible lows and beautiful highs.
Kristin says
yep the highs are really high and the lows are really low.
Laura says
I feel so related to this post that I have read it many times. I think that sometimes when you move on with another projects (like seeing this wonderful world!), is like you’re a weird bug and people don’t understand you. I’m an expat in Paris and I get to see my friends once or twice a month because between getting my degree, working my butt off and traveling I don’t have time to see them more often. Once I told to one of my “closest” friends about how I spent 4 days in Belgium where I cried every night because I was feeling home sick and he answered me “you’re so ungrateful, you get your way easy in life (!!!!) and still complain for everything when you travel so much while the normal people are stuck”. On the other hand, 3 months earlier, in Poland I met a guy that was leaving the city the next day and only talked in bar while having some beers and we understood each other so well (not in a romantic way) so I decided to share my “ungrateful thoughts” with him over a Facebook conversation and with only a few lines he made me feel a lot better, it was like he knew me better that my friend that I have known for more than a year. In the end I learnt that people who had traveled a little can understand each other better.
Kristin says
On the surface this seems like an ideal life and in a lot of ways it is. It’s hard when you can’t talk to your close friends and family about it because they don’t understand and haven’t experienced it. To get shut down like that is hard. Nobody has it all or the perfect life!
Sara says
Actually, a few weeks ago I was thinking how difficult it is to find a place where you can cry in peace while you’re travelling. When I was in SE Asia I could afford a single room but when I end up putting together some time in dormitories where you are almost always in front of someone… then… those times when you just want to listen to your music and feel free to feel… become really hard… and there are those times, because it’s not that you leave home and you become someone else… You can keep your excitement high for two weeks, but in the long term it becomes just life again… I found myself on a deserted beach thanks to the low season and could write and cry and feel. Also because there is a beauty in feeling emotional too, even though you’re not laughing but that’s something you need to be within yourself to enjoy…
Kristin says
Yep, sometimes I get a private room just because I need to wallow a bit. That’s how the past few days have been but slowly and surely coming around and feeling better again. The lows can be super low on the road.
Sara says
Sorry for posting in the wrong place, not sure how I did it, but, actually, not sure where I’m posting now… ah ah… be patient with me, please!
I find the thing about patience interesting, I was also wondering if I’d become more patient after all of this. I don’t know the answer yet, though…
But at least you have a travel blog. I’ve never understood how people can manage to travel and write at the same time. You are busy doing experiences and sharing them. I’m too slow and for me it would be too much, I can’t even keep in touch with people and I’m not even moving that much compared to other travellers… all my admiration! Cheer up! But just experience, anything makes you richer, even those wallows…
Kristin says
It’s really hard to do both. Before that’s all I had to do, really – write and travel. I liked having the creative outlet. Now I have freelance contracts, deadlines, a need to make my income from this blog, marketing, etc. It became a full time job and I’m finding balancing the two to be really difficult.
Sheralyn says
You’re definitely not a brat! But I totally get what you mean about not feeling “allowed” (for lack of a better word) to complain to friends back home when things go bad. Plus, I think there are lots of people who are jealous when they see someone heading out to travel full time, and that brings out their non-empathetic side in full force, which sucks, when you’re on the receiving end of it.
Yes, the travel life is sooooo amazing overall, but it’s not realistic for anyone to expect us to feel like it’s perfect all the time – nothing is perfect all the time!!!
Kristin says
So true – nothing is perfect all the time!
Except for salted caramel anything. That is always perfect 😉
AJ says
It’s not being a brat. It’s being raised in a country where we pour drinkable water onto vast acres of grass with no actual food value. It’s using a toilet whose water is fresher than most in many countries can even drink. It’s living in a country that consumes more than it produces and drains the world of the very natural resources we are racing to see as travelers. It’s being used to having running water and lights and electricity that always works. These things soften us to the world at large and even if those luxuries are appreciated, the lack of those same luxuries has some unseen effect upon those of us who have never lived without. It’s a natural reaction to living with less even if it is only subliminal. Every sunset and cathedral in the world won’t replace the comforts we are imbued with as the privileged few who choose a life of travel while exchanging those same luxuries for others on some level. That, coupled with the unending parade of goodbyes and not knowing where it all will grind to a halt, whether as a result of familial, financial or physical obligations all lends itself to the gaping abyss of uncertainty into which travelers must gaze in return for the wonders we experience. As with physics, it seems that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction that must be paid for. I, for one, wouldn’t want it any other way because it beats having to sell your soul for those same comforts afforded by a life of indentured servitude to a job that contributes to society’s continued ills and the inevitable decay of quality of life that we see in the health and happiness statistics constantly being thrown in our faces. What you feel is completely normal and thank you for sharing as always.
Kristin says
Spending much of the past 2 years in developing countries, I definitely don’t take clean water and electricity for granted anymore. Every time I return to a place with atrocious internet, I’m reminded of how good we have it in the US and Europe.
Life is so much better than it was behind a desk, I have to never forget that. This is a good path but nothing is perfect all the time. I like your physics analogy.
VacayGirl says
I lived in Cabo San Lucas for a year last year and had a great time but by 8 mos in the loneliness did start to develop. It got to the point where I wanted to shout into the air “I’m a cool, funny person!” You see vacationers with their groups of friends laughing and having a great time. You then remember that’s how you used to be when you were on vacation. But that personality can get suppressed when you’re constantly surrounded by people you don’t know. I gained friends while living in Cabo but it still wasn’t the same because I was an “add-on” friend. Not thought of yet as the hangout buddy because they all had their friends or things weren’t as new to them as they were to me. It can definitely get to ya.
Kristin says
Funny, that’s how I felt sitting on the beach in Cape Town. I was with other travelers but I missed the feeling of a group of friends, familiarity, and knowing them better. When you’re feeling down, that’s the kind of thing you need!
Beth says
I’ve only been travelling once (so far) – 2 months in SE Asia with my husband (then boyfriend). Honestly I’m not sure I could have done it without him. He is one of those people who somehow stays calm in all situations and takes everything is his stride.
I have anxiety and normal life in the UK is generally fine unless I’m shoved into some situation I’m not expecting. Obviously that happens a lot when travelling, but I crave adventure and want to learn about the world the same as the rest of you so I went anyway.
I couldn’t say anything went really wrong, but the general unpredictability and surprises of travelling meant I was having a small panic attack pretty much every day. It is true that when forced into an impossible situation, you find a way to deal with it. You just do. Because you have to. And it makes you stronger.
Halfway through my trip I was in a restaurant in Ayutthaya, Thailand when I started to think I wasn’t enjoying enjoying travelling and that I wanted to go home. I had a proper panic attack in the restaurant and couldn’t eat any of my food. I knew that if I went home and ran away from my fears, they would only catch up with me, probably making me too scared to go travelling again, maybe even to go on holiday (that’s how anxiety works). I knew I had to face my fears. It was awful though, the sheer terror I felt sitting in that restaurant, and going back to the most uncomfortable hostel of the trip.
The next day, lo and behold, was one of my favourite days of the trip! Exploring Ayutthaya was amazing, and we had the best tourguide, a really friendly and cheery Thai man with a cute little tuktuk.
Anyway moral of the story is KEEP GOING because you never know what’s waiting round the corner! The highs and lows may even cancel out but you’ll still have some of the best highs of your life
Kristin says
I get anxiety pretty badly from time to time as well and you’re so right. You just have to keep going because chances are good something amazing is about to happen.
Sy says
I’m not sure how I feel about this post. Life will always have it’s highs and lows. Sure travel may intensify the feelings, but however the experience prevails most purists wouldn’t change the outcome.
Travel isn’t meant to solve anything. Its an experience and like anything in life if you don’t push beyond your comfort zone then you will miss out.
I’m glad you found some positives. And I’m sure you wouldn’t change a thing about your trip in hindsight.
Kristin says
True life will always have its highs and lows. It just seems to hit a bit harder when you’re completely alone and in a place where nothing is familiar, at least for me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love this lifestyle, I just wanted to express that it’s not perfect and anyone who expects it to be, which I think is a lot of people, might find that no, it’s really not. Nothing is.
jon says
But western women expect everything to be and look perfect .
But themself are looking far from perfect and neither acting that way..
Maybe traveling isnt for the feminist jaded western women and more of a surivivalist manly thing?
Or maybe western women are brats who expect everything given to them on a platter and men lining up for them.
Kristin says
But troll commenters make sweeping generalizations about hundreds of millions of women, pushing anti-female and racist points of view? Maybe writing on the internet isn’t for the jaded, keyboard warrior but for someone with more of a worldly, experienced, balanced viewpoint?
If you don’t like reading thoughts from a Western woman, by all means, don’t. It’s important to make it clear that traveling isn’t always perfect and that things can and do go wrong, and I want to show a balanced picture of what it’s really like. That’s the whole point of a blog – to share opinions and feelings.
Stacey says
Oooh burnnnn. Thumbs up for that awesome reply…I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Diana says
When I was on my first trip to Malaysia and Cambodja. After a long flight and long ride and feeling sick, I came to my hotel and the whole street was dark. I thought, where the hell am I? I also thought there would have been more people the second part of my journey, but there weren’t. My throat hurt and I felt lonely and had to cry a bit. But the next morning the sun was shining and I saw the beauty of my hotel and beautiful trees on the street. It was also a lesson for me. For example, this time I’m going to Asia I will sleep in hostels and dorms more often, so I will meet more people.
Kristin says
Tomorrow is always a new day 🙂 Glad you were able to bounce back quickly and that’s how I usually feel when traveling lows hit me as well. You just have to pick yourself up and keep on keeping on!
Stacey says
Ugh I can totally relate. I’ve been traveling/ living in different countries as an expat for the last five years and constantly get the “wow you’re living the dream”. I’m quick to point out that I can often barely pay my rent (even in developing countries), sometimes I turn on the tap and there is just inexplicably no water, and everything from getting groceries to paying bills is a huge chore which can take hours (especially with my bad Spanish).
While we’re incredibly lucky to be able to travel, I think it’s also a good idea to point out that we also face challenges and just because we’re abroad doesn’t make them any less relevant than those who live at home.
Kristin says
Absolutely, and sometimes there is a new set of challenges. Every life choice comes with ups and downs and it’s easy to look at someone else and wish for what they have but that’s not the answer.
Liz says
After a not so sweet experience in Langkawi a few weeks ago I promised myself no more backpacking for a while.So when I got to KL I checked in at a 5 star and barely left the hotel, and that was exactly what I needed! I feel that travellers get pressured to constantly “go off the beaten path” and stay in cool indy hostels. Yes that can be great but sometimes a girl just needs lounge access and pinot on refill. <3
Kristin says
I’ve done that from time to time as well and found that it was exactly what I needed too. I felt a bit guilty for spending all that money but then again, you can’t always vagabond or you’ll go crazy.
Karl says
I’ve been reading your blog from the beginning for the past month. I really enjoy these honest entries. I know how exciting traveling can be and sometimes I feel like it’s all just positivies when I know it’s not. You’ll be hearing more from me shortly : )
Kristin says
That’s awesome Karl! Thanks so much for reading 🙂
Richard says
Enjoyed the article I can definately relate to it as I think most people who have travelled long term can I know off me there were days when I thaught “what am I doing here ” some of those days turned into the best days of my life so far . I’m back now in the UK living the normal/ daily life and I know where I would much rather be – out there exploring , hopefully again sometime soon 🙂
Kristin says
Totally agree, but I think anyone who believes it’ll be rosy perfection and feels bad about it when things go wrong should know that it’s just how life is, no matter WHAT you do.