“If you travel so much, what’s your dating life like?”
I cannot tell you how often I get asked this question. Thankfully it seems to have replaced the dreadful, ‘so when are you going to settle down?’, though it means something similar.
I suppose it’s a reasonable, though invasive, thing to wonder about. To my fellow solo female travelers, do you get this question too?
Human beings are wired for connection. Though I can feel fulfilled from my close friendships and enriched by the time that I spend alone (and I do!), of course I still desire partnerships of the romantic kind.
I haven’t been totally single throughout my time abroad. I’ve skipped detailing most of my relationships here because I don’t think it’s relevant to a blog that inspires women to travel alone, but on behalf of all of us solo female travelers, I just want to say:
Yes, we do meet people abroad
I meet eligible partners daily on the road. Though I only act on it if I see some very compelling synergies, I bet my chances of meeting people are much higher than the average girl. I meet so many intriguing people, I can’t even imagine online dating.
I’m probably not going to go for the guy who just quit his job to travel and doesn’t know who he is or what he wants, but there are plenty of people traveling and working remotely, living as expats, and sitting in cafes right next to me. You never know who might walk in the door next. And the magical thing is, people are friendlier abroad and more open to talking. It can be pretty easy to strike up a conversation and see where it leads.
So please don’t worry about my options, they’re numerous.
Yes, we can have healthy relationships
People often assume that since they live in one place they can have healthier, more stable relationships than those who travel.
But I’m sure we can all agree that just because a couple spends most of their time together, it doesn’t automatically mean it’s a healthy relationship. It can often mean the opposite. You know of plenty of examples of this, right?
Drawing from a sample of women I know who live their lives in one city and those who travel, about half of each are in healthy, happy relationships.
Couples who spend some time apart, enjoying the things they love the way they used to before they were a couple, come back together refreshed, and with a chance to have missed their partner. Couples in healthy relationships who spend some time apart often say this makes their bonds stronger.
Yes, long distance can be hard. However with trust and honesty, it’s not a deal-ender.
Traveling doesn’t equate to instability
I know that some people would find my lifestyle difficult. Frequent movement is not for everyone. That said, it wasn’t that long ago that people were nomadic by nature. It was vital for survival.
They also weren’t monogamous, but that’s another conversation entirely.
I do insert stability through my routines, but change is a constant in my life now, and I love it that way. Instability is a state of mind.
Some of the most stressed out people I know have all the physical stability in the world. Each day looks the same and they are miserable. Being in a happy union isn’t about being in one place with a routine, it’s about the dynamic, level of trust, and understanding.
Traveling doesn’t equate to promiscuity
I wish this wasn’t the assumption, but let me just say once and for all, those who travel aren’t automatically promiscuous or only interested in a fling.
Maybe hostels and the backpacker trail are known for one night stands, but so is college, and so are one’s early 20s. Not everyone is participating, and plenty of people do meet and fall in love in hostels, too.
Please don’t worry about me, I’m fine!
So please don’t worry about me, whether or not I want kids (like I’m supposed to know?!) or how my dating life is.
I have everything I want and need, and when the time is right, romantic love is part of it.
MikesRoadTrip says
Interesting post. As a professional travel blogger myself, this is one area that has been really tough. While I’ve had several relationships along the way (during my blogging years), it’s been difficult to maintain because those women were not in the industry and could rarely travel with me, so there were long periods apart. I have long been envious of the “couple” bloggers out there and really wonder how they fostered a relationship when both parties are always on the move. I wish someone would come out with a dating app for travel bloggers/travelers. 😉
All the best,
Mike
Kristin says
TBH I’ve stayed away from dating people in the industry because I feel like my work life balance is already a struggle. I can’t imagine if my relationship were intertwined in that. There are some couple’s bloggers who are so clearly super in love and they do a fantastic job (planet D comes to mind). However others, I’ve been around and they fight constantly!
Mary says
I totally agree with the last paragraph. Great post! We don’t have to conform to the norms.
GG says
Hey Kristin! Not worried about you, very happy for you and how you are doing! After your last e-mail I think I understand better what you meant in terms of concerns a solo traveler might have when asked certain questions. I think when a question is asked out of a real curiosity and lack of understanding but a desire to learn I find it a great thing and try to oblige. Unfortunately, when I did my first solo journey some of the questions were more to discourage than to get an answer. So it really matters how it is asked in addition to what. For those who tried to seed doubts, it motivated me to do it even more because I had an answer for all the questions and it seems like sometimes the sweetest things in life require overcoming some resistance or obstacle.
As for the cynical or invasive question about dating and relationships on the road, or anything else that is personal regarding solo traveling, I hope through blogs like this people will come to realize that so many solo travelers are a super, thoughtful, sensible, intelligent, and loving people who just chose a different lifestyle than the norm. Look at how you think through your adventures and the amazing life and travel advice you and your team provide here! Different doesn’t mean impractical, I agree that just following the crowd and not trying to get to know you and your individual needs and styles is less healthy and actually unhealthy. As Kristin has shown, you can have a prolific, fulfilled life this way.
In a world with high divorce rates, and low life satisfaction maybe a different style of living and loving is not such a bad thing and non-traditional relationships and coupling might be the “tradition” one day. Maybe solo travelers can ask “how is dating life for people who just do the same thing every day and work all the time?” Doesn’t sound very exciting.
That being said, it goes both ways, some people love the routine and aren’t travel types, and as you have wisely said in past posts they should break routine once in a while and take a trip just to unwind, while sustained instability with a taste of routine (e.g., a day in the life in Kristin in Berlin) makes for great balance from your side!
I think over time more and more people like with any alternative lifestyle will be more educated on it and these questions will become less frequent. Plus, TBH, those who want a serious relationship and say “I don’t mind that you travel a lot” will understand the dynamic better (I have had so many traveling friends who the other says it’s fine and really didn’t mean it, like they thought it was a phase). Keeping a long-term relationship in any situation is difficult to do and keep exciting. Not saying it’s easy as Mike says it is difficult and I have had friends’ boyfriends complain, “she’s off again!” (which I think is not nice) plus in my life I’m the adventurer, but when you look at it objectively, all relationships are a challenge. You need to be empathetic to the other’s needs and if you love them for who they are help them bloom!
Lastly, I know relationships where both travel, but always to different places, or travel together, or one stays at home base. With kids and without kids, sometimes the kids want to travel more than the adults. Sometimes you settle for a few years and back off again. Then there are the ones where the other travels not by choice like in the military, diplomatic corps, etc. I think these relationships work and fail like any other. A “traditional lifestyle” of 1.4 kids, a picket fence, etc. is fading away and people should embrace diversity.
Sorry, Kristin if I am oversimplifying this or making it sound easy and the questions keep coming sometimes (from the same person!). It isn’t, any long term relationship is hard, it is always a work in progress! Being different isn’t easy, but wouldn’t want to be like everyone else and boring! But you have more and more people getting it! I am a guy so would be insincere to say “I know how you feel”, but hope this was insightful somehow! 🙂
Best wishes,
GG
Ariana Crisafulli says
OMG! This post hits the nail entirely on the head. First of all, I want to ask… have you read the book “Sex at Dawn”? It’s all about how pre-agricultural humans were non monogamous and nomadic and really kind of explains a lot of unhappiness in “settled” relationships I think. Also, I absolutely agree with being able to meet more people while traveling. I had the hardest time meeting potential partners when I was living a settled life (probably not least of all because I was miserable) but when I started traveling a met all kinds of people, some of which became romantic. But I also realized during those 2 years on the road that I was attracting potential partners because I didn’t feel like I needed them anymore. I was living a fulfilled life already by traveling. That being said, I met the love of my life while traveling and now we’re living together BUT because we met when we were both backpacking long term, that really set the tone for our relationship and now it’s no problem when I want to go off and travel for a month and then come back, which I think is much healthier than codependency. In any case, this post made me very happy and I completely agree with you 🙂
Kristin says
No I should read it! That’s so lovely that you met someone abroad who gets your lifestyle – that’s what I want!
Crystal says
Awesome, it’s been a fear of mine to be single and traveling. However, it has been a dream of mine to meet the one on the road and fall in love. Continue to travel and be happy together. I’m glad to hear that dating and being in a relationship is still very attainable for a full time traveler!
Kristin says
I totally hear you on that. I’d love that too.
LaVonne says
Hey I love this article. Im a flight attendant so I’m gone at least 15 days a month and I’m not even counting the days I’m visiting my family and friends in Los Angeles California. I’m excited I’m going to travel solo for the first time in November (London!) and I look forward to meeting new people , maybe new friends that I can travel with. Kristen you answered my questions and some I’ve already known. As a FA it’s hard to have a relationship. Sometimes it works out sometimes It doesn’t. You have to be with someone who is loyal, very secure with himself and who has goals, purpose, hobbies, and maybe a job because you don’t want their life to begin when you’re home. At least I don’t . I would like to share my travel experience with someone special but right now it’s not in the cards. Maybe in the future. Happy travels!
Kristin says
I could see how being a flight attendant would make it super hard, too! Yeah it’s got to be with someone who understands your schedule and is cool with you being gone sometimes. They’re out there!
Kesari says
Drawing from a sample of women I know who live their lives in one city and those who travel, about half of each are in healthy, happy relationships.