Growing up, our grandparents all seemed to know where they were when Kennedy was assassinated. I suppose that our generation has two – where you were on 9/11, and I think we will all be able to tell our future generations, should humanity miraculously last that long, where we were when COVID hit.
Where were you at the beginning/middle-ish of March? What did you think the rest of your year had in store and how hilariously quickly were those dreams macerated?
Please excuse any references to things that are not funny being funny, I’m laughing so that I don’t cry.
I was sitting on the floor of the Santiago airport two days away from the beginning of my second Patagonia backpacking trip. Within two days I would be welcoming 16 women to hike with me through the crown jewel of Patagonia – or at least that was the plan.
I had flown for a combined 36 hours from Cairo (don’t feel too bad for me, I had saved up my miles and did it in Emirates business class so it was amazing and awful simultaneously) watching as the world shut down country after country while in the air.
By the time I landed in Santiago, the literal opposite end of the world, my temperature was being taken and a flood of emails came through, most notably from my trip co-lead, Pete, telling me that we had to make a tough decision, that it was too uncertain to run a tour.
I didn’t know whether to agree with him or not. Should I get on that flight to Patagonia? I was exhausted and needed a shower badly. The only power outlet was in a grungy corner on the floor, so that’s where I sat to sort my life out.
Pete was right. The only thing we could realistically do was let the girls know that we would be pushing it a year, book another flight, and go home.
With the benefit of hindsight I know now that we made the right decision. Within two days Chile had shut down and I read reports of travelers paying five figures just to get on flights home.
In a way we could breathe a sigh of relief, but realistically the pressure is still very much on. How many times will we have to push this trip until things reopen? Will the hotels we booked with even survive? Is there any point to even asking these questions?
Every time I try to anticipate what might come next, I’m blindsided by a reality I could not have comprehended a year prior. I’m sure every single person alive right now can relate.
2020 is making me realize that despite how much I’ve worked on living in the moment, I’m still a very much future-oriented person. I used to think I was working toward something solid. I used to count on things working out.
But now it’s almost comically impossible to anticipate anything, isn’t it?
And when I reference comedy, it’s more of a Divine Comedy type of thing;
Abandon all hope, ye who enter 2020.
In the years leading up to this, we at least had the illusion that we knew what might happen. We could generally plan for big life events and draw up five year plans as if we had a clue.
But if 2020 has made anything clear to me, it’s that we adorably call this a time of uncertainty, when in reality everything was always uncertain. We never could truly know what was coming. I cannot look back on any year of my life and tell you that I accurately predicted what would happen. There are constant curveballs, some that seem good and some that seem bad at the moment, but it all somehow works out in the end.
Sometimes when I look back, to even the really shitty stuff, it will all line up in a crooked little line going back in time and only then does it all make sense. And I know I wouldn’t change anything, because it all brought me to who I am now, and I like her.
Only when I see it this way can I see that everything happens for a reason, and begin to trust that the same is always happening, right now, in ways that will be clear later.
And some days that works. Other days I wake up hoping it’s all been a bad dream, except it’s not. I feel vulnerable, raw, and unsure. My only option has been to surrender and to let things happen serendipitously. It’s forced me to innovate and be more creative. It’s forced me to not get too comfortable. It’s a jolt.
The range of Emotions have been extreme and I think we’re all being confronted with the reality that we can never really know what is to come. Yet at the same time, I think a lot of us are learning that we can roll with it, whatever it may be.
And I know that all of this is easy for me to say because I am lucky. I am privileged. I don’t forget that when I survey my current situation.
But it’s still been fraught with heartbreak. My blog and brand were growing exponentially at this time last year. I remember an investor reaching out to ask if I’d ever thought about selling and replying that, though flattered, it would be crazy for me to get out when things were so good. And then in March, because life finds such things hilarious, everything came crashing down and hit zero.
I know I’m not alone in that experience. Although I did pity myself.
Maybe working in travel, particularly international travel, was a risky choice from the beginning. What’s the first thing to go when the economy is bad? International vacations, that’s what. And if there’s a pandemic? For-fucking-get it.
And as I soothed my myself by buying way too many house plants, I wondered if maybe switching to plant influencing would be better. Do people still troll when it’s just plants? Could it ever result in a moral dilemma? Wouldn’t it be such an easy job?
Maybe it’s escapism, maybe nothing is truly shielded from the treachery of time and unknowns. Maybe it’s just me looking at the path I didn’t take, imagining it’s greener.
It’s tricky to work in travel now, though. For the first time, whether or not to run a tour or to continue actually doing my job is a major moral dilemma. On one hand I had agreements with people in French Polynesia that I knew represented their entire yearly income, and who really can make the right moral judgment call went up against a pandemic? In the end I’ve made peace with the fact that there will always be someone out there who is upset with me and thinks I should’ve done things differently, and that they will most certainly let me know.
But if the summer crowds on the trails and the beautiful uptick in my blog traffic is any indication, people aren’t done exploring, dreaming, and hoping for the future.
Maybe they’ve been afraid to say so because of the judgment, but I can tell from my rebounding blog traffic that people are definitely traveling. It would take more than a pandemic to kill the desire for connection, to kill the thirst for novelty, and the drive to explore. Whether that’s right or wrong is subjective, but it is undeniably human nature.
As I come to the end of this post I I’m struggling to come up with a conclusion. I suppose that’s because there isn’t one here. A conclusion suggests that something has come to an end or that I somehow have a parting word for you of hope and solidarity. But you’ve heard that enough at this point, haven’t you? “Alone together, socially distant but close”.
In truth is I just want things to feel normal again, too. I suppose normalcy as a concept is laughable, though. It’s just an illusion that we humans love to cling to. Maybe it’s naïve but I trust that it will work out because it always has. I trust life though I know that this trust fall will be long, scary, and blind.
So all that said I don’t have a conclusion at all, just a commitment to keep trusting, to let the present moment hit me over the head a few more times, and to let there be a silver lining to it all.
What about you?
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GG says
Hi Kristin:
Answer from me: I have no conclusion either. The story is continuing and if I have ever learned anything is to know what I can and cannot control and concentrate on those things that I can and be there for others.
Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts regarding the impact of the pandemic on your life this year. While behind the scenes it sounded like a real struggle, I wanted to compliment you on how amazing you have been in handling the current crisis (shout out to Pete for being super!). It must not be easy but you have taken it on with creativity, poise, adaptivity, and confidence that encapsulate true “women’s empowerment” that you mention so much. You managed to keep posting week in and week out here with interesting advice and stories. You have expanded your brand to include a super clothing site (I bought two and am enjoying them so much and know they are environmentally and ethically made, two big things important to me!), blogger discussion/mentoring program (“Accelerator”), meditation/spirituality programming, and most impressively, a transition to emphasis on domestic road travel while still keeping your recent tour groups. Your whole BMTM deserves credit too. It shows me that nothing will keep you down and are an inspiration to so many. So glad things are improving regarding the website. I have said this before and will say this again: I believe we will make it out the opposite end of this. It may take a while but we will. And your brand will be so strong I think (I am not a business person, but you seem to be strong) with not only the old income coming back but so much more in addition to all those fellow bloggers you have teamed up and supported during this time. You are also mindful of everything, including the pandemic, so that if I ever went on a trip with you, that you would make sure I was safe as possible. You would never do anything to adversely impact anyone and are very responsible. You are very responsive too.
I am sorry you are getting judgments and harshness regarding your choices in this matter. I will be honest and say that on bad days I will get harsh on others who view things differently. The environment has become polarized and I hope things can change soon where we can have discussions together and emote together and love each other for our differences, not criticize. But for now, know that you continue to inspire many and it is your website, your forum, and you should be able to express yourself freely on it. If some don’t jive with it and can’t handle it, there are millions of other places to go. I know people’s lives are on the line here so I have tried to be kind and understanding to those who have strong emotions on the matter. The list of people I know with loved ones who died of this is growing each month.
On that note, I want to say that life is always fragile. Nothing is ever guaranteed, pandemic or not. Entropy increases over time on average. Order and certainty are exceptions. We counter this as humans by creating an illusion of certainty/order through routine and following social norms. Sometimes by “playing it safe”. This pandemic may have shattered this illusion for many. The norm in the universe is chaos, life is a true gift, even if it is a lot of work to keep going forward. I hope people learn a bit of serendipity, creativity and flexibility through all this (some are fighting this tooth and nail and can understand why). I know many colleagues who stayed at a park with the family for the first time ever. People taking vacations “on the spot” (never before have I had my boss say “I’m tired, I’m just going to take a day off tomorrow and have a picnic!” Every day I now make sure to tell my family and friends how much I love them and are there for them. I try to thank BMTM for what you do every time. They are such wonderful people. I don’t take anything for granted anymore. Personally, it hasn’t been easy for me emotionally during this pandemic but I am so privileged, still have my job, a family still together. I actually have been getting more work done in less time through telework.
One last note on attitudes in my experience: I have said that it is a duty to do what we can to prevent spread to others as we might be fine, but others could be very vulnerable, but now I look at it and say it is easy for me to say that from my privileged position. I still hold to this for me and my specific situation, but so many are forced to make such tough decisions so it is not for me to judge. It is my actual duty and everyone’s duty IMHO to support everyone and wish them well with as many smiles as possible. It is a tough time too, so it is my duty to listen to others too and give them a space to emote freely without any worry of judgement. I hope others can provide that for me too. It has been a roller coaster! Others have to travel to their workplace. Some have travel as their occupation! All those health care workers, delivery people, restaurant/small businesses. Everyone’s situation is different and have been impacted more or less and each person’s situation is different.
Neat thing with the shattering of routine is that new routines may sprout from this that can be a silver lining. Telecommuting has finally become accepted even by the most recalcitrant organization which will improve traffic and reduce pollution/greenhouse gas emissions (same with teleconferences). People will still want to go to conferences, but if you can’t make it, you might still be able to participate remotely and maybe reduce your carbon footprint by not flying. Technology has been advanced by need. I may be dreaming, but if a treatment is developed for this disease, it might sprout out treatments for other diseases or a better understanding of our bodies (as this attacks all systems). Also, this pandemic has irrefutably revealed the divide between race and income regarding health care and outcomes. Equity has emerged in 2020 as a top priority in all the discussions I have been part of in my work which covers all industries ranging from private corporations, small consulting firms, NGOs, special interest groups, federal, state, and local governments. The question of “how is this policy going to impact those vulnerable populations, lower income and minorities in light of what has happened with the pandemic?” is everywhere now :).
That is everything. Go with your instincts, they have served you so well. Be true to yourself and this is your creation so tend to it as you need like you did your beautiful plants and so many will follow because you are doing a great thing here. Can’t please everyone and open discussion is good, but in the end this is your baby, your struggle, and your success :). I hope I didn’t go on too long!
One quick question: Are you planning a new Patagonia “make up” trip for 2021 (you hinted something in the post)? With all the uncertainty, I think it is an incredible idea of yours of having waiting lists and expressed interest lists so when an opportunity opens up to travel somewhere, you can mobilize a tour/trip! I also love how you design trips for others if they can’t make your dates!