Last week I returned from my fourth stint at Burning Man. You know, that festival I don’t write about.
Each year I’ve come home to confront a pretty profound set of the post-playa blues, which is basically a hard dose of reality after living in a giant playground for a week. Burning Man is, most importantly for me, a week of complete digital detoxing and living in the moment – something I really never do for an entire week straight. I didn’t even manage it when I was living out of a tent in Eastern Africa for a month.
This year was different, though. I came back with one feeling and one feeling only: empowerment.
I credit this with one action: I finally decided to listen to my inner child and it was the best decision I could have made. I made it about magic and dancing more, followed my own desires more, and wandered off alone way more often, following any whim that struck me.
Photos by Yvonne
I didn’t get it totally right at first, but as the week progressed it turned more adventurous than intentional, and slowly, without noticing, I turned into a six year old again. Not in a childish way, but rather in embodying my childhood mindset of openness and wonder.
Ever since I found myself suddenly grown, I’ve watched kids with admiration mixed with envy for their carefree ways. They approach things with open wonderment and friendly curiosity. They’re still silly, and haven’t learned to fear peer judgement quite yet. They are openly themselves, and don’t really care what color is so in right now or whether or not they look fat in that dress.
Burning man was my avenue to return to that state of mind, and to remind myself of who I really am again. Six year old Kristin adored unicorns. Dressing up in costumes was her religion. She could easily become absorbed into a world of imagination and fantasy. For once I decided to fully be her again.
Life that week was a playground and I could move from spot to spot with the extreme enthusiasm of a child. My vibe seemed to call to the others who were conducting a similar experiment. Just like it used to be, people would come up and interact like kids again, asking, “what are you doing? What makes you happy? Are those rainbows and unicorns on your pants?! Awesome!”
We just said what we felt at the first compulsion, unafraid of a negative reaction, because we were just talking simply out of love and curiosity.
Yet six-year-old Kristin had freedoms she’d never had before. I was finally an unattended child in a wonderland, ready to embark on an magical adventure into another realm through the interstellar forces of pixie dust and imagination. Nobody could kill my joy. As soon as anything stopped being stimulating, I moved on, able to consider my desires only. I didn’t have to worry about losing anyone, competing desires, or sticking around anywhere for a second longer than I wanted to.
Many people came into my story, some for only a moment and others would become repeat encounters. Each time it was like finding a kid I knew on the playground who I could go on an adventure with, and when I was ready to be independent again, I moved on, so the positivity levels stayed high.
On Friday night, as I watched the sun set, completely alone as the sky went from pink to purple then blue, an Astronaut biked up. He didn’t speak – only made beeping noises – as he pointed to the pack on the back of his bike that read, ‘space ice cream.’ He took out a nugget of the creamy chocolate (which was much like the consistency of the marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal), handed it over, then biked away without a word. I smiled broadly as the sun dipped below the mountains and I savored the treat. Mine to experience and remember. Mine only.
Just the night before, as I paused on my bike to plug in my light-up wolf hood, someone noticed me and came over to shine a light so that I could see better. After five minutes of chatting he told me he brought his cello with him.
The cello happens to be my all-time favorite instrument. Ask anyone who knows me. It makes me get a lump in my throat. It makes me kind of want to cry out of some kind of joyous pain left by another soul in a lifetime past. That’s the only way I can explain it.
A few days later he found me again, took me to a giant white balloon that had inflated just one block over and happened to be acoustically perfect, and played two beautiful songs.
I could go on all day with stories like this of the serendipity, but you’re probably running out of time and my heart couldn’t be pounding any harder as it is, overflowing with beautiful memories. It just might break my chest.
On the final night — the night the man burned — I took it full throttle and dressed myself exactly the way six year old Kristin would have, with rainbow-unicorn-robot battle pants, a furry pink jacket, star face paint and rhinestones around my eyes.
Letting go and simultaneously pulling in this new-yet-old me led me to a mental breakthrough. Even though I’ve traveled alone for three years, I’ve always made it a point to meet as many others as possible. I would become depressed without fellow human interaction, which I knew was born of a need for external validation. This time, the critical voice in my head began to fade, I stopped talking harshly to myself, but rather softly and forgivingly. I started to like and understand this person inside me who I’d previously sometimes been at odds with.
Could we reach a mutual understanding? What if i approached life with the zest of six-year-old rainbow unicorn Kristin – Creatively, openly, and inwardly inquisitively? What if I never reserved a compliment and remained open and hungry for adventure? With an unstifled and optimistic view of life, unencumbered by old scars, could anything be possible?
While I can’t say this eureka moment is due entirely to one week at Burning Man, as I’ve explored happiness, Buddhism, and the benefits of a healthy mental state ever since I started traveling solo three years ago, I can say that it was the final cherry on top I needed, simply because it gave me space to think and to be me again.
And you know what? I can finally say, without that little pit in my stomach that says, “you’re lying,” or “you’re being narcissistic” that I really like me.
I am finally enough.
I just hope I can hold onto this feeling.
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Thanks for reading to the end. I have an announcement for you! There’s a project I’ve been working on all summer long, and it’s partially responsible for the lack of writing you’ve seen on this blog lately.
Many of you, in one form or another, have sent me messages over the years that say similar things: you want to travel the world but you’re scared. There are insurmountable barriers in your way and you don’t know how to cut them down. I’ve been pouring my heart and soul into a project to calm those fears, and next week, it will be available to you. More on it all to come.
Because you deserve to finally feel like enough, too.
Brenna says
I love this, Kristin, and it is such a great reminder to remember who we were as kids (and what we loved, unicorns included). I have only been to Burning Man once and it was a strange experience – I went with the wrong group of people. It was only when I wandered off on my own that I, like you, found those amazing little moments of serendipity. I can’t wait to visit the playa again one day.
Lots of love to you! x
Kristin says
I feel like my first year (had a really beautiful romance) and this year were my best. My second and third years I left so dejected and confused. I just spend it surrounded by the wrong vibes, pressure, and feeling rejected. It was all about the people. I had a great group this year and we all knew that sometimes we’d be together but that most of the time we’d follow our own whims and that was so important. I hope you go again and give it another chance!
Brenna says
Oh I’ll definitely be back one day. Who knows – maybe I’ll see you there! Your group sounds really lovely and I think it’s so true that you have to follow your own whims… just like life!
Nauman says
Kristin!
Welcome back! I liked the rawness of this piece. 6 year old Kristin seems super fun and really happy – I am always excited to see that =)
Waiting to see what you have in store in the near future!
p.s. your ways of romancing the audience is super inspirational
Kristin says
Thanks so much, Nauman. So glad you liked six year old Kristin. I do too. She always seemed separate from me but now I feel reconnected and it’s such a nice feeling. I hope you’re connected with your inner child as well 🙂
Rachel says
Ah this is so great, Kristin, thanks for your honesty. Maybe it’s crazy, but I just figured somebody that looks as strong and independent as you would already have been totally confident in themselves and their desires. This is a good reminder that we all have room to grow and that we can and should revert back to our childlike dreams and curiosities. Also, thanks for being such an inspiration. I’m quitting my job this month to travel and reading your story, among many others, has helped with that process tremendously. I am a litttttle scared, and freaking out a bit, but I’m also really pumped.
Kristin says
Physically and outwardly I can feel strong and independent, but I often have pretty debilitating mental battles, to be honest. It’s why I have spent so much time reading, trying to understand my own brain and what the nuances of self-esteem are and how to find internal rather than external validation. However solo traveling is such a great way to expedite that process and I’m so glad you’re giving yourself that gift! I was scared too. That’s normal. It would be weird if you weren’t scared! Once you’re on the road, loving life, all that will fade and it will be glorious.
Katie at Katie Wanders says
This was a great post- I couldn’t relate on the burning man scale because it’s not my scene but the way you described being six again I could relate with when we said what’s on our mind and happiness was the only quest- thank you for sharing ! Maybe I need to head to burning man myself 😉
Katie at Katie Wanders
Kristin says
I don’t think you need to be at Burning Man to feel that way – anywhere at all that helps you feel present and disconnected from the past or future, fake online world, or everyday stresses is the perfect place. So therapeutic.
Ellie says
This is such a beautiful and honest post. I really enjoyed reading it.
I hope to experience burning man one day.
Kristin says
Thanks Ellie. If you want to make it happen then you will 🙂
Anonymous says
Much love to you Kristen! Today I let my inner child out by painting strawberries on one hands nails and ladybirds on the other hands nails. I don’t care that I work in a corporate environment- and it’s posts like this that help to remind me that it’s ok and to keep doing my thing too. Loving the unicorn leggings- where can I get me a pair of those!?? Thanks for sharing ur memories which you battled so hard to keep to yourself. It’s definitely on my radar to go but my struggle is finding anyone and like you say the ‘right’ people to go with too. Ill keep searching. Peace and love as always xx
Kristin says
Strawberry nails?! Awesome. So summery. The leggings are here: https://blackmilkclothing.com/products/hell-yeah-leggings
This year made me realize that the right person to go with was me. You’ll find your tribe, but the best part is getting lost on your own 🙂
Damien says
Sadly I haven’t been to Burning Man (yet!) but I can certainly relate to some of the things you mention. When I travel, I love walking off randomly and exploring and in some ways I feel the least lonely when I am on my own. Is that odd?
Kristin says
Definitely not odd and I think I finally know what people mean when they say they enjoy their own company. I really never did before. I felt like something was missing. Then, that week I was like, you know what? I’m not so bad. Spending time with me is actually pretty cool.
I think it’s a sign of strength and personal awareness when you can say that you honestly enjoy just hanging out with yourself from time to time.
Carly says
Beautiful written.
Thank you for sharing and for ensuring that it’s ‘real’…. x
Erin says
The scene in the tent where everyone is just lying there taking in the music…amazing!
Kristin says
It was really relaxing. There was a clarinetist there too and they were harmonizing. Loved it.
Candace says
I have those pants !
Kristin says
Twinsies! Fist bump.
Diana Edelman says
A few years ago, I went to a shaman to get healed. She said my problem was that I never honored my inner child. For an hour, she moved me through a meditation where I went back and saw my younger self and showed Little D the things Big D had accomplished. Finding that inner child and embracing it the way you did/are, is a beautiful thing and one I wish I could do more fully. Beautiful writing, as always. So happy for you.
Kristin says
I think that’s a huge problem for a lot of people. I thought of the childhood me as someone completely separate from me, who I couldn’t’ reach anymore but wished I could just go sit next to her and talk to her. I remember having that desire for months. When I finally realized that she wasn’t gone or in the past, but inside of me and that I was still that same girl, I cried. I thought I’d sound like a lunatic saying that but it sounds like you get me 🙂
Emma says
I have to say that since (the little time) I’ve been following you, the articles that really inspired me the most and made me want to go there someday are those on your trip to Africa. And since then I’ve been waiting patiently for your articles to come. It’s been a while since your last blog post but I have to say that it was worth the wait because this one is WOW ! If you ever visit Geneva when you’re back in Europe I’ll gladly have a beer with you ! 🙂
Kristin says
Thank you so much for following, Emma. I know it’s been a long time – and it’s because I’ve been writing a book that is publishing in the coming days and I wasn’t very good at balancing the two. I really appreciate your patience and willingness to stick around, though, because things will be back to normal on here soon 🙂
I loved Switzerland when I visited over the summer (blog post to come) and definitely want to see more of it, so Geneva is possible!
Sarah says
Great post, I can really relate. I fell like I am on this path at the moment of finally accepting myself and being 100% authentic. A journey I needed to do alone, it’s great to know I’m not the only one out there and that I will get there eventually 🙂 xx
Kristin says
You’re definitely not alone!
Emily-Ann (grownupgapyear) says
One of the biggest lessons I had to learn when I started my solo trip was how to enjoy my own company. It was something I learnt along the way and, even now, I actually like to spend time alone. Thanks for sharing your experience of Burning Man, I’ve been begging my husband to go for a couple of years so maybe this will help me persuade him!
Kristin says
For some people, we have to work at really loving our own company. I guess it’s fair to say it took me three long years to get there, but I’m glad I did. And hey, if he doesn’t want to go to the Burn, you could always go on your own 🙂
Ryan says
So incredible and as always I’m still jealous that I haven’t been yet. But I have a group of people together set this time, and next burning man I am going no matter what! I would have gone this year but couldn’t manage to get tickets, but sales dates are set up on my calendar this year to buy them! And make a road trip out of it. Looks so awesome, but even more so, its so great you could let the inner child fully out of you again Kristin!
Kristin says
You don’t need a group to go! And yeah, tickets sold out immediately. I didn’t even get one and I signed on right on time. Thankfully my friends got through and bought enough for everyone. Nerve-wracking!
Ashley says
Loved this post, Kristin! Thank you for the reminder to embrace my inner child, and to keep an inquisitive and open mindset.
Emily says
Fantastic post – I’m so glad you left recharged and feeling empowered. It’s something few of us get to experience and hold onto – I hope that fire is still burning strong for you!
Kristin says
Hi Emily, it’s worn off a bit but maybe that means I just need to meditate and check in with myself again. That’s what was so magical at Burning Man, just taking the time for myself.
Julie says
I wish I were as courageous as you are! Lately, I have felt lonely and frustrated because I wanted to travel but no one is ever free to come: my friends are busy with their relationship and I need to move and I feel I need to change everything and be more positive.
I found and read your blog just a couple of hours ago and it is so inspiring!
xoxo
Kristin says
Hi Julie, I definitely built that up over time and I found the concept of traveling on my own pretty terrifying (and sometimes even still do) and then I get out there and start traveling and 9 times out of 10 it’s even better traveling alone than it would be with someone else. You get to have all this freedom and you learn so much about yourself. It’s intimidating at first but give it a try and I think you’ll find solo travel is actually pretty awesome!
joanna says
Inspiring on so many levels: benefits of digital detox, making new friends, making friends with yourself, dressing up, being free. Love it all. Thanks for sharing the trip 🙂
GG says
Hey Kristin:
Burning Man acts in a way like your monastery and reaching your inner child is like your deep meditative state (realize seeking the adrenaline of the moment seems the opposite, but the brain is a strange organ); your way of letting go and finding some enlightenment or blissful state.
Enlightenment/bliss seems to be reachable in a variety of ways. It is so awesome to be learning more about Eastern cultures through you all at BMTM and how we are so much alike yet different, one person’s G-d seems like another person’s free energy, one person’s soul is another one’s aura. Forgive the likely oversimplification, though.
It was so nice for you have this place to go every year that is so close to your original hometown.
Your post-playa blues (I have that coming from the beach and playa means “beach” in Spanish, but seriously…) is almost like what I imagine it would be to go from a deep meditative state of peace and satisfaction back to the active, crazy, connected world. I could be 180 degrees off here, but I found it neat how you reach bliss during that time.
Appreciate your sensitivity to the preservation of “secret corners” or “jewels” of the world being lost when “the secret is out”. You are very thoughtful in explaining why you did not want to write about it so much, but wanted to share how it makes you whole. Surely I can see your concern especially as you continue to grow in popularity and audience. This issue of preserving the innocence and purity of a place has been a problem throughout human history, but made worse by the proliferation of information through internet/social media and increased access to travel by more and more people over time. Any place that is not hard to access and catches fire online will have this issue. I guess the trick would be to find those areas that appeal uniquely to your niche and/or harder to access or is just similar enough to another popular area, yet different so masses won’t come but you will.
For what it is worth, the millionaires “invaded” the Burning Man festival starting in 2012 or maybe even earlier, so the secret was out before you posted about it, so instead of making the situation worse, writing about how your concern of losing what made the event so special can only be helpful and appreciated. If Burning Man does lose its authenticity and accessibility due to infusion of popular culture and wealth, maybe the new “Burning Man” outcrops forming around the world (maybe one near Germany) might try to fill the void and stay out of the limelight?
Thanks for sharing this. My big thing regarding festivals is DragonCon strangely enough. I don’t plan to go to the Burning Man festival, it would have been just for curiosity and I don’t think in this case it would be appropriate (like gawking). If I do still feel the pull, I’ll go to one of the branch festivals and if I am wrong and I dig it big time, then I might reconsider. That is your place and for those soulmates of yours, I will respect it. Thanks for sharing and making me feel part of it though on a spiritual level.
For anyone else who reads this comment, I found this post through a really splendid post titled “When You Were A Child, What Did You Dream You’d Become?” which was linked within the most recent post as of this day: “Meet the 16-Year-Old Girl Who Travels the World: Réka, 3 Years Later”.