You may have noticed a little something if you’re a regular reader of this blog.
I’m not in Asia anymore, and my posts have been scarce recently.
I was a little sheepish about telling you why that is. But at this point, I frankly don’t have anything to hide anymore. I’m naked, picking up the pieces of who I was. So here’s the inside scoop:
I had decided that I needed to be single for at least the next year of my life when I initially took off for my solo trip around Asia back in September. I had just ended a four-year relationship and the weight of it had yet to fully hit me.
It was like every day during my first two months of travel were in high-definition, smell and taste-o-vision, intensified bliss. I felt freer than a bird. I was higher than any drug could have taken me. To say the feeling was ecstasy would be doing it a disservice.
Life was everything I had always wanted it to be.
All was going pretty well, and nothing was going to shake me. Then, standing at the blue lagoon in Vang Vieng, he turned around, and I smiled at him.
That’s when it all started, and picked up momentum, and became a roller coaster, and before I knew it, I had lost all control. The wheel had been passed from me to someone else. I lost myself.
However, he wasn’t nomadic like I was. His was a much shorter trip.
To make what had quickly morphed into a new relationship work, I had to move to where he lived – Australia. I had to give up my nomadic dream of Asia. I had to change myself. And for some reason, in my rose-colored glasses state, I did it. I moved to Melbourne.
I made the ultimate sacrifice – my freedom, and my dreams.
I didn’t listen to anyone who said it was silly. I didn’t pay any heed to blog posts that talked about the ridiculousness of following a backpacker romance. Surely it worked out for some people, so why not me?
I had visions of changing my blog to focus on Australia. I thought one day I’d write about an Australian wedding, and changing my last name. How insane is that?
Of course, you’re never the person on the road who you are in real life, with its real stress, and real demands and, well, realness. By moving to Melbourne I jumped head first back into the western world with a thud, wearing hippie pants and missing Asia terribly. I was back in the rat race and wanted none of it. After all, I had worked so hard to leave it and take a career break in the first place.
I gave it a real effort. I bought jeans, I wore shoes again, I even picked up a few odd jobs to make ends meet.
In the end, it wasn’t enough.
I originally arrived in Melbourne with starry eyes. The city drew me in. I loved everything about it — or maybe just the person I was with. Then, just as things began to fizzle, I noticed a thick line of smog on the horizon. It reminded me of the smog back home. It reminded me of everything I had intentionally left behind.
And so, the love affair ended.
In an ugly way, and I cried. A lot.
It took everything in me not to pick up the phone and call a few times. I just wished those plans we had made for the future could have a chance of coming true. I wanted so badly to go back to it – to make everything right. I looked for reasons why it was good, why it should work, and why it simply HAD to be fixed.
Then my friend, Fiona, sat me down and said something that resonated: I never gave myself the chance to lament the relationship that ended before I left for my trip. It was a long one, it took up the bulk of my early twenties. I was looking for that security and affection that I had been missing.
I didn’t take enough time for me.
Sure enough, she was completely right.
But it didn’t make it easier.
Just like every other time, I’ll pick up the pieces, and I’ll move on.
Asia, my darling, I’m coming back to you. Thank you so much for waiting for me. I always knew you would.
Have you ever lost yourself on the road by falling for a guy or gal? Have you ever fallen hard only to fall on your face? Comment so I feel like less of a miserable failure.
Steph says
Wow this is heavy but I love how honest it is. I don’t htink you should beat yourself up too much- it’s all an experience and it’s all self discovery, even when it sometimes sucks.
Kristin Addis says
True, experiences are experiences either way
Bryan says
For what it’s worth – I think it was good you did what you did.
Now you have a deeper sense of closure on many accounts and levels, and you can enjoy a deeper conviction to return to your own path again.
The business I started, has a slogan – Be True To Your Muru!
Muru is an aboriginal word meaning path / direction.
So like sailing, you just keep tacking with the wind to get to the direction you’re heading in – whatever that ends up being – but your heart knows!
And as you said – it’s all experience 🙂
Rock On and enjoy!!
Travel Bandita says
I’m sorry about your breakup. Fiona seems like a very wise woman. It’s good to have a friend like that :).
Funnily enough I almost followed a man to Australia once. In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t because the rest of my trip was amazing and free as it was meant to be. But I feel like I’ll always have that annoying nagging what if feeling.
Kristin Addis says
Fiona is a wise woman indeed 🙂
Chana Saiwongpanya says
Funny story, I just got over my ex last week (we broke up 2.5 years ago)…and it was because some people I met on the road. Hopefully your recovery will be a lot sooner than mine, and on the road…road to recovery FTW. because you’ll wake up one morning and realize “I’m okay again.” It happened for me. Hang in there, California Soul 🙂
Kristin Addis says
It’s happening slowly but surely 🙂
Not Kim Yee says
Lovely, I’m glad you finally found some peace! Have a good life. Find someone new to love.
Guest says
Thank you for sharing something so personal that took a lot of guts and there is definitely no reason to feel like a miserable failure, cause you’re clearly not! I remember my first solo trip was to Hawaii and I kind of fell for a guy that checked into my hostel the second day I was there. I was feeling kind of lonely on this trip being that it was Maui so full of romance. Like you perfectly stated, when your traveling everything is in HD and your in complete bliss! I was so sad when I had to leave Hawaii, I was there for only a week I actually cried when I left. I didn’t want to leave him. If I didn’t have a job to go back to I probably would have stayed and followed him back to his home in Austria lol. So I can imagine what you felt like. But think about it, after you get over it and you will, it will be such a great memory. How many people can say they traveled across the world to Australia for love…not many! But your purpose lead you right back to where you needed to be and that was in Asia. There are some things that have to be accomplished in life and sometimes doing wrong is the only way we can figure what’s right for us. So don’t feel bad girl just be grateful for the experiences you have been blessed to have and your heart is back where it belongs in Asia!
Kristin Addis says
Must be a common thing to get swept off your feet when traveling 🙂 People are just so chilled out and happy!
Alana - Paper Planes says
It’s cliche and doesn’t really help in the moment, but leaving Asia for Australia wasn’t pointless, silly or without reason. It’s difficult now and you may wish you had done things differently, but really…who knows if it would have been different or better if you hadn’t followed your heart. Maybe you would have spent the rest of your time in Asia wondering, ‘What if…?’. Now you have better clarity of what Asia means to you and what you want!
But I’ve been in similar situations before, and I’m sorry, cause it does suck and hurt. A lot.
Kristin Addis says
Thanks for your kind words. I have come to that conclusion as well – at least now I know it wasn’t going to work, and I won’t have to wonder.
Simmy says
I love how raw and honest this is. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Kristin Addis says
Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂
BeyondBlighty says
That’s an honest post. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Don’t berate yourself for following a guy you thought you had a future with. I never change my plans for guys, but I’ve been single for years, so perhaps we both need to find some middle ground! I hope Asia part II is everything you want it to be and more.
Kristin Addis says
Yeah can we please find a nice middle ground? Tell me how you do it!
Tamsin says
Oh my gosh, I really admire you writing this! As it happens, I, too, followed a boy from Asia to Australia (but Perth)! It turned very sour, and although I also returned to Asia, before deciding to return to Australia (and Melbourne) on my own terms for a year, I still can’t bring myself to write about ‘the boy’.
admin says
I think I’ll probably return as well, but to a different part, and after I’m done with Asia
Jen Castle says
Sometimes we have to fall on our face in order to be that much stronger. Hey, you went to Australia and had an amazing twist to the adventure, to then return to Asia and continue reflecting on the new you. It’s tough when you lose a new love but your adventures sound fabulous. Keep truckin girl! This was my first time reading your blog and I appreciate your honesty. Thanks for sharing. I look forward to more. :o)
admin says
Thanks, Jen. That’s a very positive way to look at it, and probably the approach I need to be taking. Glad that you found my blog!
Aaron Brutus says
That must have been hard, but I think you did the right thing.
Matthew Karsten says
Sometimes there’s no way to know unless you take a risk and go for it. There are far more people out there who wouldn’t have been brave enough to try.
Plus, a world without hippie pants is not a world I would want to live in either. Welcome back! 🙂
admin says
Hippie pants > jeans.
Penny Sadler says
I’ve been looking forward to reading this. I’m really glad you wrote it. Writing can be healing. I think once you return to Asia things will start to look a lot brighter. Maybe you don’t miss the guy as much as the feelings you associate with him? And you can get those back. And bonus they had nothing to do with anyone else. Great story Kristin!
admin says
Things already look brighter and I’m just sitting in Singapore for my layover. It’s amazing how much lighter I feel just being back in Asia. I also think you hit the nail on the head. Thanks 🙂
Sofia says
I think it was very brave of you to follow your heart, that’s something many people will never dare even trying.
Sorry that it ended so badly, but at least now you won’t have that nagging thought in the back of your head of “what if?”.
Have fun in Asia!
admin says
That’s what everyone’s comments have helped me to realize – I need to just be happy I tried so I never have to wonder.
Eva and Flo says
Welcome back!
Enjoy your further trip in South East Asia!
Anja says
It’s never wrong to follow your heart! You always have to give it a try. What if it was the right decision, bringing you exactly to where you always wanted to be in the end?
Thanks for that honest post!
admin says
I’m sure in the end, it will. Thanks 🙂
Just One Boomer (Suzanne) says
There’s a line in the play “Under Milkwood”: “Isn’t life terrible, thank God.”
Life lesson from being married at 21 and divorced at 23: Never change your plans for a man.
Life lesson from being married for over 30 years to another man: If it’s the right man, it’s ok to change your plans.
admin says
Sounds about right 🙂
@TravelEater says
Good for you for going back to do what you love. I’m leaving for my solo trip to SE Asia (with a stop to see family & friends in NZ & Oz first) in Sept. I’ll be looking for tips on your great site – thanks!
Johanna
admin says
Glad you find it helpful!
Jimmy says
I’m about to leave on an indefinite trip to South East Asia that I began planning as a result of a break up last year (also a 4 year relationship).
I’m still getting over it but this trip has helped a lot before it even started, can’t wait to get out there & experience similar to what you have so far! Good for you for writing this up too, must have been hard.
Also I hope you haven’t been left with bad memories of Melbourne , much as I’m looking forward to leaving, I love it here 🙂
admin says
I’m happy to report that traveling, constantly meeting new people, and expanding your horizons does wonders for the post-break up blues, though it’s never an easy road.
I still think Melbourne is a rad city and I am privileged to have spent two months there 🙂
Micamyx|Senyorita says
That is a risk and I guess you really loved the guy. Don’t worry, Southeast Asia is just here for you 😀 don’t miss the opportunity to pass by the Philippines 😀
Nauman says
Basically: when I grow up, I want to be just like you.
Also, you have tremendous friends! =)
randude says
I feel for you. I am stuck in a relationship that I cannot get out of and I miss being alone, in the relationship sense, and I miss the road. I never outgrew wanting that.
Kristin says
Well, not knowing a darn thing about your relationship I’ll at least say that if that’s how you feel, you can always get out.
Nedim Tokman says
yes I have a very similar experience, even worse actually. And I never cried for anyone before. That flight from that European city to NYC was a hell.
Kristin says
AWww 🙁
Evelyne says
Please never give up the things you really want in life, your dreams and the things that make you happy and smile, for someone else, because one day you will find out you are not happy with that person.
These values and dreams are the basics. When you meet someone it should feel if he becomes part of it. He should have the same modus vivendi.
After a marriage of 17 years I finally know what makes me happy and that I will never give up again.
It is true that it will be a good lesson for you to understand your values even more. And yes, you are still young so take your time and enjoy as much as you can.
Kristin says
Thank you Evelyne <3
Amy says
I followed my heart in Australia only to fall hard on my face!!
I’d been living with my best friend in cairns, working in a hostel, loving everything about it!
Then one night on the bar open mic was being hosted by ‘him’. My own Australian Ed Sheeran I called him. My glasses were very rose tinted!
A month after our relationship begun I had to leave Cairns to do my farmwork so we had longer for our relationship to develop in Australia. A couple of weeks into farmwork he tells me not to bother, to return to cairns, we’d move to England and get a partnership visa when we’d been together long enough! My friends told me I was being silly and I should do my farmwork but I didn’t listen, I missed him too much!
A few months later it all comes crumbling down. I had to pack up my stuff and fly home, alone.
15 months later I am about to leave on a trip around Asia and then go to New Zealand to work! (He’s still doing the same lame gigs in cairns, drinks he life away).
We all make mistakes at some point, but we learn from them and improve!!
Kristin says
Everything is a learning experience.