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Should I Break Up With My Partner to Travel?

10/31/2017 by Kristin Addis 10 Comments

Should you leave your partner to travel? Click to read my advice on leaving a relationship to travel. #solotravel #relationshipadvice
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What if I never find someone who’s going to love me the way that he does?

I turned this question over and over in my mind, agonizing over it, waking up in the middle of the night because of it, and singing melancholy songs in the shower because I just didn’t know how to deal with the emotions that went along with such a monumental decision.

I was trying to decide whether to stay with my boyfriend of four years or break up with him to travel the world alone.

Unfortunately the options were mutually exclusive. I knew that if I went to Southeast Asia, it would be on an open ended ticket. I was not going to make promises of coming back after a month or try to hold onto something over distances that vast. It was all or it was nothing.

This is a tough position that a lot of those of us who travel find ourselves in: Do we keep the relationship that we are in at home or do we break up to travel? It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made.

breaking up to travel
But I gained the world.

If you’re considering the same, it’s worth asking yourself the following questions:

Why can’t your partner come with you?

Is there a reason why your partner cannot join you on this trip of a lifetime? Doesn’t it seem beautiful to plan and save up together, for a common united goal and dream?

If your partner is fully supportive of your dream and you feel down to your core that it’s all good, and that you don’t need to worry about your connection while you’re gone, then give it a try. However I’m guessing you didn’t end up on this post because you feel that way.

What is the honest, real, and true reason why you and your partner are not planning this trip together? Consider the next question:

Is there a fundamental incompatibility?

Again, why isn’t your partner coming? Is she or he not invited? Is it because he or she is not interested in such things?

There will always be other, easy excuses like, money, school, or obligations. You probably had similar obstacles to overcome as well. We both know those are things you can overcome. But if traveling is not a priority to your partner, but it is such a huge priority for you that you are considering going off to the other side of the world without him or her, is this a fundamental incompatibility? Do you have different life priorities?

Your choices are not limited to, stay home with your current partner or leave and be alone forever and ever. Is there perhaps someone else out there who might share this desire to wander and therefore be more compatible with you?

breaking up to travel
You’ll be okay

Why are you considering taking off in the first place?

My traveling dreams really didn’t involve anyone else. I wanted to go for the freedom. Why did I crave this freedom so badly? I had to look at the conditions at home that were causing it.

This is not to lay blame or accusations on my former partner, it’s just to say that if I didn’t fully honor my desire to seek freedom, I might still be wondering what it feels like. The relationship would have probably come to an end anyway, but there would’ve been no beaches in Thailand, and no Thousand New Beginnings for me, then.

Is the decision based on fear or love?

So many motivations go back to the human desire for connection and to be accepted. However fearing that we will not have love again is in the end, acting out of a place of fear rather than out of a place of love.

Fear-based actions are usually selfish. is the decision to stay or go based on a selfish need to feel secure? It’s pretty hard to see it this way, I know, but be brutally honest with yourself here. If you stayed, who would you be doing it for, really? Do either of you benefit if you deny your strongest desires?

breaking up to travel
There will be more love

You are wonderful enough on your own

This is more of a statement than a question, but I hope that you know you’re wonderful without anyone having to tell you so. (But I’m telling you so, anyhow).

I didn’t know this at first. I wrote early on that I really didn’t like spending time with myself.

To be honest, this feeling persisted years into my travels. I was sad that I didn’t have a partner, mostly because I didn’t feel whole on my own.

I had no idea who I actually was – that’s why. I was just a mirror of the people who I was with, drawing my sense of self from their impressions of me. I had to be adored by those around me or I would feel shattered.

It was through traveling alone that I let that go, and I finally discovered who I actually am. My definition changes constantly, by the way.

I’m happy to report that I’m at peace in a way I haven’t felt before. I am deliriously happy to be on the other end of those feelings five years later, with a business and a new life that sprung from all of that. I feel so much gratitude to my former self for choosing the path she chose.

I don’t know if I would’ve arrived here without being single and empowered by my solo adventures for a good stretch of time.

I’m not saying that I chose the right path and that everyone should do things the way that I did. How can I know, right? The other path is lost to me now and all I can do is imagine how it would have looked. Sometimes I do, with rose-colored glasses, and other times I feel unbelievably relieved that I walked away. What I do know is that I am no longer looking for someone to complete me. Settling down is not my end goal. It never was.

And I have had great loves in the years since – ones that were better suited to me than the one I walked away from, crying and terrified.

My best advice is to be gentle and honest with yourself. Because for one of the toughest life decisions, or at least I’m sure it feels like that right now, it’s worth looking at the root of the feelings that come up and being fearless and truthful with your answers.

And though I don’t know you, I feel confident telling you that you will feel love again.

There will be dark moments when you doubt if this can be true. There will be times when you pine over your former love. It’s human nature. It’s what we do. But you will feel love again.

And don’t forget that the person who deserves the most love in your life is you, and it’s going to be okay.

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About Kristin Addis

Kristin Addis is the founder and CEO of Be My Travel Muse, a resource for female travelers all around the world since 2012. She's traveled solo to over 65 countries and has brought over 150 women on her all-female adventure tours from Botswana to the Alaskan tundra.

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I'm Kristin, and my vision of a better world is one where more women are empowered and living out their dreams. Solo traveling is the best method I've found to become the best, bravest version of me. This site is all about how YOU can have the adventure of a lifetime in an easy, fun, approachable way, so that you can feel empowered, too. Want to learn more about me?

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Comments

  1. Sara says

    10/31/2017 at 7:32 pm

    Great thoughts presented.Yeba!

    Reply
  2. Shelby Morrison says

    11/01/2017 at 6:12 am

    “And don’t forget that the person who deserves the most love in your life is you, and it’s going to be okay.” Brilliant. I’m married and have considered this many times. We’re going to do all we can to make it work one day, but for now, I’ve decided I’m going to travel alone and in the end if he wants to join, we’ll make it work. We’re trying to support each other. So I suppose I’m trying to ride two horses with one ass. I don’t know how it will end up, but the fact that we share dogs is a contributing factor for staying together. I’m sure I’ll revisit down the line when it seems like it will never work. But fingers are crossed.

    Reply
    • Kristin says

      11/01/2017 at 12:50 pm

      Ride two horses with one ass! I love that so much. Well you can make your own rules to this life, seems like you already are. Best of luck and whichever path you end up on will no doubt be the right one.

      Reply
  3. Nicole says

    11/01/2017 at 9:15 pm

    Kristin this is everything I needed to read today! I’ve been struggling with this decision for months now and my time to act is dwindling. Always inspired by you and these words were so comforting. Thank you ?

    Reply
    • Kristin says

      11/02/2017 at 2:13 am

      So glad that you found what you needed here. I know exactly how you feel, I really do.

      Reply
  4. Katie B says

    02/13/2019 at 10:55 am

    In the military- just broke up with my long distance boyfriend stationed stateside because of this… I needed to hear this. All of this. Love you girl. I so so appreciate you.

    Katie

    Reply
    • Kristin says

      02/14/2019 at 12:17 pm

      I appreciate you too!

      Reply
  5. Kristin says

    02/13/2019 at 1:30 pm

    This was everything for me today. This is almost my story entirely.
    Thank you for your wisdom.

    Also, Kristin with an “in” ?

    Reply
    • Kristin says

      02/14/2019 at 12:17 pm

      So glad it’s what you needed to see today and that you found it. Nice symmetrical name by the way 😉

      Reply
  6. Rosi says

    11/01/2022 at 2:55 pm

    Wow its almost like I am reading my own situation ( sort of)

    I have just broken up with my boyfriend of 2 and half years because I’m going travelling in December.. We have known the whole time this was my plan, and now its ended and he’s moved on whilst his side of the bed is still warm!!

    There are deffo doubts of compatability, and the fact he couldn’t come because he doesn’t like flying!.. Its just super scary worrying that I’ve made the decision to loose someone who loves me so much. But I just need to reassure myself that I will find others! Thank you for this post!

    Reply

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