I’ve been a little quiet here about my thoughts and the interworkings of my girl brain* lately.
I’ve been more likely to write guides and show you pretty pictures and tell you how amazing that last beach I saw was, (and it was!), but that’s not the point of today’s post.
Today I feel weird.
I get these seasonal depressions and people ask me why as though it’s something I should just be able to look inward and fix and I’m like, if I knew why I would just not-so-politely usher this tingling anxiety out the door, but since I don’t we just stare at each other awkwardly in my brain until one of us wins the staring contest.
In a happier time a few months ago while I was laying under a mosquito net in a bamboo hut in Mozambique, A nomadic friend of mine was suffering from it and he asked me if I ever feel incomplete or wonder what it’s all for. He asked the same questions I’d asked myself before and am asking again now:
Is it just another pretty sunset, sandy beach, mountain peak, or valley in between? Was he just spinning his wheels?
He’d become desensitized to the beauty of the adventure because the loneliness outweighed it all. I knew those feelings all too well.
Yet at the time that he asked me that, I was happy as a clam (side note: Where does that saying even come from? Are clams particularly happy?), and while I felt badly for him, I was so grateful in that moment that it wasn’t I who was suffering.
I know, I’m a real great friend, right? Good job on the solidarity, Kris!
I’d arrived at this happy place in a roundabout kind of way. It occurred after a heartbreak over the summer.
I met up with someone who I hadn’t seen in years, but had never really gotten over. Our reunion was better than an Acadamy Award-winning movie and I couldn’t have written a better way for our story to end had I dreamed up every beautiful possibility. I recall coming home and announcing to my girlfriends that if this couldn’t work out, then nothing would and I was going to give up it didn’t.
But of course, it didn’t work out for the same reason it hadn’t before: My lifestyle. It’s always the culprit.
I meet someone amazing and wonder, could this one be it? I start to let my girl brain* run wild and it conjures up images of a perfect future. We’d buy a Land Rover together and travel through Africa. No, wait! Even better, we’d get a boat and sail the fjords in New Zealand, or maybe Chile? Norway? Whatever, doesn’t matter, we’d find some fjords and sail the shit out of them and it would be glorious. We’d make those little sandwiches with gherkins or maybe just catch our own fish and go full Robinson Crusoe on a deserted island just for us. Totally realistic, right?
But then he’ll turn out to be the one who looked too good on paper to have any time for me with his busy career or I’m away and my would-be soul mate meets someone else, or things change, we become different people, and before it even gets its rudders off the dock, it sinks to the bottom of the ocean to become another wreck dive – doesn’t even need an anchor (sorry for all of the maritime metaphors).
After that I turned a new leaf and decided to pursue only what I wanted, and anything else that came my way didn’t matter. I reasoned that until I was ready to live a more sedentary lifestyle, this would be a recurring problem and I just needed to live my best life to find happiness. It wouldn’t come from someone else.
Then at the time that I needed it the most, I had an epiphany that was years in the making that I was finally enough.
God, that felt so good. To finally be happy just with me, honestly, almost shut up that negative inner voice completely.
Once that positivity was coursing through me I was on fire. I poured myself into my work, meditation, and my friendships. Things started working out so well for me career-wise and I hit a milestone I’d been aching for – validation not only by media, but by extension my friends, family, and most importantly, myself.
I remember sitting in Mozambique and thinking, this is really perfect.
And then, for some reason that I can’t really identify, sitting in a hostel in Chilean Patagonia just a few months later, I was dissatisfied all over again. I worried that I’d gone too extreme in the other direction.
Have I become someone who can’t let others in? Did I get too selfish to share anything or make any concessions? I shudder to admit that maybe I have.
I know that I champion solo travel all the time because it really is the best way to get to know yourself but I start to wonder about that pesky law of diminishing returns, too. I mean, I’ve been doing it for almost four years now so aren’t I supposed to share it at some point?
Do I have to share? I never got used to the idea of sharing chocolate, for example, and am frankly way happier just not sharing. I think that everyone should just get their own and not ask to try mine. I’m afraid sharing travel plans might fall into that bucket too and if it does I fear I’m doomed.
I think the key to happiness, at least for me, is to build something. Not just a business, not just a relationship, but a life that I can be proud of. Sometimes I am distracted enough from these thoughts by the adventure to forget that, but I’m not sure that constantly running is the answer. It can be part of the voyage, but it can’t be the whole course (I’m sorry I’m really not letting go of the metaphors here). I still don’t know how to make others fit into that scenario but I think I have to be a grown up now and try.
…And then sometimes I think that maybe on a Tuesday, I’ll just ride my bike east, as far as my legs will take me, then when I’m tired I’ll lay in the grass and stare up at the clouds, picking out fluffy animals until the sky turns black and they become constellations, then it’ll be time to take the train home, and maybe it’ll be exactly what I needed. No questions answered but none formed, either.
And in the end I know that it’ll be alright.
Thanks for listening. Writing to you is often the most therapeutic of all. Good night.
Scott says
http://www.knowyourphrase.com/phrase-meanings/happy-as-a-clam.html
Now you know 🙂
Kristin says
X-D
Ashley says
This post really resonated with me, Kristin – I’ve asked myself this exact question many times! I love travelling solo, but I’ve also come to appreciate the ability to share travel moments with others. As someone who has always been obnoxiously independent and a bit stubborn, learning to compromise and share my travels is definitely a work in progress!
Kristin says
Totally! And those times when I’m like, “I wish someone was here to share this with me,” that requires that someone actually wanted to go there with me in the first place and was cool with everything I wanted to do. UGH
Dan says
Couldn’t agree more with everything you said. The more I travel the more I feel lost or unfulfilled at certain times and then feel guilty for feeling that way because having the life of a digital nomad is a dream job. Two things that have kept me grounded is making time to express gratitude on a daily basis and to also work towards something on a daily basis. Whether that’s a business, blog, your body/health, or relationships, when you see growth in any area of your life it helps reiterate you’re on the right path whatever that path may be. Thanks for sharing ! 🙂
Kristin says
Totally agree. If you set aside time to be grateful and to work on something that betters you and those around you, it helps so much with the depression.
Ashley says
Thank you for putting this into words! And thanks even more for making yourself vulnerable enough to do so. You’re inspired and inspiring, and not just because you’re a solo lady traveller. Keep doing you. And I will continue to aspire to be half the snapchat artist that you are XD
Cheers!
Ashley from Austin
Kristin says
Thanks so much Ashley from Austin! Seems like a cool enough city to make some cool stuff happen on Snapchat <3
Chiara says
You may have become selfish because solo travelling eventually leads you there. It’s not all about YOU (sorry for capitalizing), it’s also about the people we meet in our way. We solo travellers put ourselves first, our needs are what matter because we must care about ourselves, we must find out how to go from one place to another, bargain something, find accommodation, get food, fill time, undergo and put up with our hormone swings, spend time with our thoughts, and most of the time do all of this on a super tight budget. Man, this is time and energy consuming. We must become selfish because we are experiencing something that is extra-ordinary. Whoever is not able to understand this is simply not worthy. We should be ready to change up to a certain extent because we are what we are now thanks to the experiences that have made us so selfish.
Maybe that person is not THE person for you. When you meet him you’ll probably feel it and see that you’re ready to change something of your life for him and the two of you.
Kristin says
That was poetic, Chiara. You put into words what I’ve been grappling with for so long (and it seems like you did so so easily but I’m sure its something that you’ve come to realize over all of the experiences and time!). I hope anyone who reads the post also reads your comment.
Michael says
Hey Kristin, always appreciate your honest and candid posts. I think like with everything in life you must take the good with the bad. I just finished just over a year of traveling solo and one of the reasons I came back was that I was loneliness. I do think traveling solo is the best thing one can do for themselves, and I personally want to travel with someone next time. But I think if the choice is traveling alone or not traveling, traveling wins every time.
Kristin says
I agree with you, I also know that it’s hard to travel with someone who maybe doesn’t always agree and want to do what you want to do. It’s suddenly like, oh, you have things you want to do too?! Weird! But concessions are a healthy thing to make sometimes.
Matt S says
Interesting article Kristin. I sometimes get this feeling when I’m
On my solo photography trips. I love the independence to do whatever I want and can take my time doing it. I think the question “why am I doing this?” does pop into my head when I’m in a exhausted laying on a cheap hotel bed after a long day of photos. I’d just try to appreciate it as much as you can, many people are working 9-5 and are
Miserable while you are one of the select few carrying out your dream. Cheers. (Side note: I may be leaving my 9-5 to teach in Asia next year 😉
Kristin says
Do it Matt! And I know what you mean. Sometimes it seems ridiculous to put so much into something you’re not sharing, but I take solace in the fact that I do share my photography and what an awesome passion it is!
Mikaela says
I’m scared of this before I’ve even left my country (Australia). It seems for me nothing is ever enough.. I have been fanatically reading your blog along with a few others and one thing that plaques me is what about a house, what about assets, what happens if i decide to stop travelling at 28 or 30 or 35 and I have nothing but the memories. You can’t live off memories. When do you become too old to have kids. What happens if i don’t own my home before I retire. Why does society make up feel like these are important.
Mikaela says
what if i don’t even want kids, but then who will look after me in my old age. Paris (i lived there in 2013) wasn’t enough for me, i got over it. what if there is no real point to life but to go from good memory to good memory.
i could go on.
Kristin says
The way I see it, I work on the road and I’ve built something. I know lots of people, some bloggers but many not, who have done something similar. You can take the experience and make something lasting out of it, and contribute to your savings. I still think experiences matter more than things. The family thing I’m still not sure about, and I worry too.
GregC says
Just keep being yourself. Follow your dreams and desires. There are no instructions for life. We all do what we will. You should be proud of the choices you’ve made. Life is full of what-ifs, regardless of the paths we choose., be it safe or non-traditional. You will know if and when the time comes to change your path. No regrets. Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings.
Kristin says
Thanks for the kind words!
K says
I don’t think it is true selfishness you are feeling. I think it is guilt. I’m in this beautiful exotic place (Laos right now!), why am I not filled with complete happiness and satisfaction everyday?! I should be, because society says I should be. But we’re human, we have ups and downs. Beauty becomes the norm for us, something most people never get to experience. Are we grateful? Absolutely! But that doesn’t mean we don’t get to be human. A good friend once told me, “Every day during your trip won’t be amazing, and that is OK”. My trip was supposed to be a solo 1 year trip but I wanted to kick it off with my boyfriend. It was only supposed to be 3 months but it turned into 6 months. When you do find someone to travel with, it won’t feel like you are missing out it really compromising (maybe sometimes). His happiness will be equally as important to you. It will bring you closer than ever and sure you will want trips here and there but you’ll become better together. My boyfriend will be leaving in a few weeks and I’ll be solo, one of my biggest solo trips yet! 🙂 Hang in there, remember, we’re all only human.
Kristin says
So true it might be guilt. I do often feel guilty for the privilege and then feel self-indulgent for the guilt.
Amrissalam Abdoe says
now im 17 and i really want to be real traveller, travelling tho whole world, and taste every inch of sight in a lot of places, now i have to prepare my self first, like money i have to makes alot of money, so when im travelling i dont have some financial problem, and brave…. that was really important
Sheri says
Nice article. Sometimes I get those low points on my year long trip. I often wonder, are we as humans every really satisfied? I think the grass is always greener. When I was at home I longed to travel. Now that I’m traveling, I long for home. Oh brother! Ha! I think you just didn’t find the right match yet. Things might change when you meet someone that really connects with you. Then maybe you might just have that travel and life companion you’ve fantasize about. It’s not so crazy to imagine. You’re doing great in the meantime. I’ve always loved your blog. It’s been a great resource for my ATW trip that is almost over, sigh. Good luck Kristin.
Kristin says
Thanks so much Sheri. I agree with you that grass is greener syndrome is real and if I don’t pause and practice gratitude it can overwhelm me at times.
Mirna says
Beautifully put. Even us non-solo travellers can resonate with this. Thanks for sharing <3
Mirna xo
Ijana says
Beautiful; you expressed something that I imagine a lot of solo travelers have to deal with and yet often tend to just push aside. In a way I think solo travel is selfish, but if you think about it you didn’t come to this planet to live your life for anyone else. If other people get jealous, or don’t stay in your life because you’re always traveling, that’s hardly your problem because your purpose isn’t to make them happy. That’s their job. Also, the way you travel you inject money into small local businesses and help to grow the lives of people all over the planet. I don’t think that’s selfish at all! And even if the intention was selfish (which I don’t believe it is for you, I’m just saying if it was for some random person), then it still helps the local businesses in question. All that said, it feels so amazing to give back to people and to be unselfish that I imagine it can be a little unsettling to think that you’re not fully living up to that expectation.
Hannah says
Kristen! I know you are struggling with the ability to share now but it really means that you have grown to know yourself! and know what it is you want to do without someone else there to influence your decisions I LOVE to solo travel because it really leaves it all up to me no one else is there for me to take the easy way out and tag along on their adventure, I have to make my own. When I travel with others I struggle with people pleasing. I ALWAYS want to make sure that everyone is having a good time and am willing to sacrifice what I want to do to make sure someone else is happy. This seems to be the opposite of your issue and something I know I need to work on. I would love to see a post about how a long-term solo traveler can learn to share their travels. What’s worked and what hasn’t. For example I traveled with two others on a big trip and we all got a “non-negotiable.” This was just one thing in each location that each of us absolutely had to do that we wanted to share with the others. We also discussed beforehand that it was ok if we didn’t do everything together. If someone was tired we wouldn’t guilt them into doing something but let them take the day to rest. Laying out ground rules and just talking about the travels you prefer (partying more or waking up early and going on an adventure or a mix of both) BEFORE you start traveling together can really help sharing your travels go smoother. I hope that one day you find someone that you travel well with!
Aaron says
I’ve always been travelling with my partner, so I may be able to share some things with you from this ‘other side of the spectrum’ (if we consider the extremes). I have to admit that the frustration does kick in when disagreements and clash of opinions occur, but the sharing of experience is also unbeatable. One thing to constantly remember when travelling with a partner is that ‘there will always be the next travel’, and that this trip wouldn’t be the last. This takes away a lot of the frustration in planning and discussion. Usually, we leave the planning ‘power’ to one of us for each trip – we’re equally enthusiastic for the travel, but we’ll take turns to just be a ‘passenger’ in different destinations, knowing that it’s not a permanent role to play.
It always comes back down to balancing the beam, doesn’t it? 🙂
Kristin says
Yes it always comes back to balance and that’s a really good idea. That way you split the work and also give the power of making decisions to each person from time to time. I like that method!
Joe Shaw says
This is something that worries me too. I’m an aspiring travel writer having just started out really and when my career takes off i’m going to be going to a lot of places. I’m in a relationship and i know he wont be able to come with me all the time so i feel like thats going to be hard. I’m also moving to Sweden in a couple of months for half a year to study – again leaving him. I feel selfish but i know i need to do it for the opportunity. I guess thats the life of a travel writer/blogger.
Kristin says
It’s not an easy path especially when you love someone who is on the other side of the world. I’m sure in time you’ll know which of the two paths pulls your harder and means more.
Emy says
I could relate a lot to this. Recently I made a video (I’m a youtuber) about one of the aspects of singledom that I enjoy : freedom, and started to wonder whether or not this was linked to being selfish. I can’t help but think at times that I have perhaps crossed the line, it does bother me to make compromises and concessions, and to be honest I don’t think I should have to make any when it comes to my lifestyle. And yes, my lifestyle includes a lot of travelling, and I don’t want to be either held back by someone or have to renounce to the freedom of travelling whenever I want, with friends or on my own or go meet friends I have never met before offline .. But quite frankly, I stop worrying about being selfish or not very quickly because I know this life that I have built and still am building for myself is filled with things I like that make me happy and I don’t want this to change.
Kristin says
That’s the thing, does a life shared mean giving up too many things? I don’t think it does, I just think it means involving the right people in the inner circle. The kind of people who understand and also pursue their passions
Ryan says
Hey Kristin, though the theme here is your girl brain, I think as it was happening for that guy too, it can happen to any and everyone. I myself have always dreamed of finding a gal that will come traveling with me all over the world and we can take couples photos and share experiences together and be awesome writers and photographers together. In reality, I usually meet someone that I fall for or let my walls down only to have them eventually go, “I’ve realized I live a normal life and you’re a backpacker, it just won’t work” or something around those lines. And bam, I put my walls back up and say, “screw it I’ll go solo and be happy just traveling alone.” and for a while I am. I have a spark in mood and creativity and acceptance of being alone. Then like a ton of bricks (to use my own metaphors) that feeling of lonliness and desire to share the journey hits me. And I get depressed and wonder what the point is and if I’ll ever be able to share this with someone. And it always feels like I won’t be able to. And if I do go home, or to a place where I stay for a while, I don’t give meeting someone special a chance because I know it’ll end all the same. It’s a really strange emotional flux, because on one hand you have the highs of chasing your dream and doing what you love and something daring, and lows of not being able to connect with someone or have a connection because of the lifestyle. Maybe I’m a sap, but eventually I’d like to be able to look over at someone I care about when hiking a mountain or visiting ruins or relaxing on the beach and go, “wow, this is incredible.” and it be more special because it was with them. Yeah, I’m a cheeseball I guess… But even with family or friends since the lifestyle is so different I have a disconnect. Things like I know I won’t be a best man at my best friends wedding because he’ll choose someone who’s around. Or, for instance, my brother never accepting my lifestyle and though I’ve gotten over it, secretly there’s a part of me that just wants him to say “that’s awesome you’re doing this bro.”
Anyway, sorry for the rant…
Kristin says
I don’t think any of that makes you a cheeseball. Most people I know who travel so much have the same problem – they can’t balance both of the things they really love – traveling and someone else. I just wonder if slowing down is necessary for anything other than just my relationship with myself to flourish. sorry for cutting out the guys. I know you guys suffer too.
Ryan says
No apologies Kristin! Just was admitting it happens to me as well. And yea, just wondering too whether jumping around from place to place or taking a breather and time to focus more inward and accept these things might help. Always so eager to up and leave, but still haven’t sorted my mind out fully with other things. Thanks for the good heartfelt post though.
Jennifer says
My friend and I had this same discussion just yesterday. He is saving for and dreaming of a life in which he can sail the world for about 10 years. He has children and other responsibilities at the moment and feels trapped. I on the other hand don’t have these responsibilities and he doesn’t understand why I’m not off traveling the world (even though I’m going to Costa Rica next month). While I love traveling I don’t know that I want to make the sacrifice of relationships that inevitably happens when you solo travel permanently. I’d love to travel permanently if I had a husband and/or who would come with me. But unless I have that I’m not willing to give up the close relationships I have with friends and family. He argues that just because a person travels full time doesn’t mean they give up friendships but I strongly believe he is being naive. Either that or he values his friendships so shallowly that he believes they can all be easily replaced. Perhaps he and I are just in two so completely different situations that we won’t see eye-to-eye on this one for a while.
Kristin says
Thing is, it’s not a forever decision. There’s something between traveling permanently forever and ever and taking off for a short trip. You can stop any time that you want to. My friendships are just as strong as they ever were, because regardless of where we are in the world we will always love each other. That’s real friendship, I think.
Stefanie says
Thank you Kristin for sharing these thoughts with us. The post really spoke to me and made me nod many times.
We may come from different paths of life and travel differently, but I know the feeling and the thoughts you describe oh so well. Thank you for the term “Girl Brain” too. I’ve never seen or heard it before, but I will remember it the next time I lay awake at night, worrying about something (or someone) I should not spend so much energy (or so many thoughts) on.
I have not made traveling my job and I don’t do it long term, but instead do short term trips and long weekend, mostly to attend concerts of the bands I love while holding down a 40 hour a week job. It’s a struggle sometimes and involves some juggling, but 30 days of paid vacation plus paid overtimes (yes, I am very privileged in that department) can go a long way. Being on the road as much as I can is my life and I guestimate I travel about 40 out of 52 weekend each year, loving it too.
Yet the price I pay is feeling lonely at times and occasionally catching myself wondering if it is all worth it, if there should not be more to life. And then I remember how much energy this life gives me and how much happiness and I remember how I could never be happy with a so called “normal life” or with “Settling down” (loved your post about that too by the way).
At times I tried combining this with being in a relationship and lately, I have not managed to make it work. That is OK though, I enjoy being single, being the master (mistress?) of my own destiny. Over the years I have realized that I am just not willing to compromise or give up any of this just to be a part of a couple. If I find a significant other who wants to share all this with me in one way or another, that is cool, but I am not holding my breath for it and quite frankly, I do not feel the need to be in a relationship to be complete.
Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to convey how much I can relate to this post and how much I enjoyed reading it. As far as I’m concerned you have build a life to be proud of and I think you share a lot by keeping this blog and letting us take part in your adventures. For me the key to happiness is to make connections and that is what I do when I travel.
All the best!