Days 94-104
It was a starry night on Koh Tao in Southern Thailand. I was lying on a wooden deck, staring up at the stars as party revelers danced away at the bar to my right. I was tired of dancing, I was tired of reckless tourists — I was tired of the whole Thai island backpacker party scene in general.
A Finnish guy, whose name escapes me now, asked if he could watch the stars with me. I reluctantly agreed, hoping he wasn’t like the rest of the guys on this island: overly eager to get in the pants of anything that walks and has boobs.
To my delight, he felt like I did, and was simply tired of the parties. He spoke of a place where one could meditate for ten days, a Buddhist monastery in the forest where the attendees don’t speak, use technology, or even read books. They just meditate.
The next morning, I immediately began my research.
The retreat would begin on December 31st, meaning I would miss celebrating New Years. I had booked the Full Moon and New Years parties on Koh Phangan, but quickly decided that they weren’t for me given how annoyed I already was by the comparatively tamer party scene on Koh Tao. I cancelled my reservations that day.
It turns out I’m simply not that kind of backpacker.
Flash forward several days:
Eve of December 31– The Silence Begins
I sat silently on a small mat over a coconut sack on the sand in the open-air meditation hall at Suan Mokkh Forest Monastery, surrounded by 40 other women and about 50 men, as the fireworks of the celebration in the nearby town of Chaiya exploded and boomed in the distance. I smiled to myself – I knew I had chosen the best way to ring in the New Year.
4am on January 1 – Wake up Bell
I awoke with a start on my concrete bed as the bell rang out over the grounds of Suan Mokkh. I made my way to the water well we all shared and washed my face and brushed my teeth silently. I was not to utter a word for the next 10 days. I almost blew it when I shrieked in my room, afraid my mosquito net brushing against my arm in the darkness was a scorpion – we had been warned we might encounter them in our rooms.
I did not put on makeup – we vowed not to. I did not apply perfume – another vow we took. I dressed conservatively, grabbed my headlamp, and made my way back to the meditation hall for the morning reading. It was a passage by Jeddu Krishnamurti about making use of the early morning hours. How fitting; crickets were chirping and birds were just beginning to sing.
4:45am – Sitting Meditation
I sat and tried to pay attention to my breathing. There was no way this was happening. My mind, slippery as it was, had no intention of focus. I took a mental trip to Burning Man, returned to the beach back home, headed back to Vang Vieng…
No! Focus, Kristin! Ok, breathing, in, out, in, out… I wonder what Michael’s up to? No! He’s probably sleeping because it’s freaking 4am. Breathe in…breathe out… Oh, that’s a nice pair of hippie pants she has, wonder where she got them?
Ding! The bell rang and it was time for an hour and a half of morning yoga.
For the first time, I did sun salutations as the sun rose.
7:00am – Dhamma Talk and More Meditation
An old Thai monk with striking blue eyes sat at the front of the hall and repeated phrases that would come to define my struggles with meditation over the next few days – we had to let go of our sense of self. We had to let go of ‘me’ and ‘mine’ in order to let go of desire to find the true path to meditation. In other words, we couldn’t want it, we couldn’t expect it.
It’s pretty hard for a Westerner, raised the way we are, to grasp this.
We sat in meditation for another 45 minutes after his talk. I was lost in my subconscious, going over past arguments, having future conversations in my head, writing mentally, thinking of what this blog post might hold; anything but taming my bucking bronco of a mind.
Ding! It was time for breakfast.
8:00am – Breakfast and Chores
Our breakfast meal was the introduction to what the rest of them would be for the next eight days: brown rice porridge with various specks of vegetables, and leafy greens and cucumber to stir inside. Some small bananas served as the digestif (the final two days there was just one meal – no breakfast).
My chore, lucky me, turned out to be raking the sand in the meditation hall. I came to love my chore. The act was therapeutic and so symbolic to me that I was lucky enough to lovingly comb and flatten the sand in the very hall where, in the coming days, I’d have profound realizations about myself, my relationships, what I wanted out of my future, and what was really important to me in life. Moreover, this hall would be the very place where I’d finally meditate for the first time (on day four, for only 10 minutes, but it’s a start!)
It sure beat the hell out of cleaning toilets or foot baths.
10am – Dhamma Talk
This talk usually consisted of learning more about Buddhism, which should have come as a shocker to nobody considering we were sitting in a Buddhist monastery.
I came to find a lot of stock in what we were learning. Some of the most pertinent being: let go of the past; don’t angst over the future. Be present. This is much more easily said than done, of course. The keys to happiness are, however, in being in the moment.
11am – Walking Meditation
I had never before seen, ‘walking meditation,’ which consists of taking about 5 full seconds per one step. I watched as my fellow meditators lumbered about like zombies around the forested grounds of the wat looking dazed in the eyes.
At the very least, I was becoming that much more prepared for the zombie apocalypse.
I stole the moment to find my refuge amongst a forest of coconut trees. I noticed things about the trees I had never seen before. I stared at them, I actually appreciated them. I watched a colony of ants for 20 minutes. I found a scorpion and followed it for another 20 minutes, absolutely mesmerized by the way it walked. I would have never done this otherwise.
11:45am – Sitting Meditation
Back to Burning Man, No! Focus! I wonder what Michael’s doing now? Shhh! Quiet, you stubborn mind. Is that a mosquito? I will annihilate it! Oh wait, I took a vow not to take away breath. Shit.
Ding! went the bell again.
12:30pm – Lunch and Chores
Lunch was our second and final meal of the day. It was a mild vegetable curry over brown rice, some sort of tofu salad, and a banana coconut milk dessert. Over the days, it would vary, but would always keep the same theme: a vegetable curry, a coconut milk dessert, and some other surprise of noodles, tofu, or papaya salad.
I really came to love lunch time.
I raked the sand once again.
I slathered on DEET.
2:30pm – Dhamma Talk
My very favorite speaker, the English monk, took this time slot today and each day moving forward. He spoke of how to rid our lives of dukkha (suffering) by letting go. He used examples of dukkha from his own life prior to becoming a monk. The reflection on his own past mirrored many of our present situations of daily confusion and lack of mindfulness.
He helped me to understand.
3:30pm – More meditation
Walking, standing, sitting meditation. My slippery mind remained slippery, so I finally went with it and focused on a few things that had been bothering me. I worked them out in my head and felt better. Over the following days, this would continue until my mind, with no books, pencils, cell phone, speaking with other humans, or computer to occupy it, got tired of thinking, and finally submitted to paying attention to my in-and-out breathing.
5:00pm – Chanting and Loving Kindness
We chanted from a book of praises. Just one verse still sticks with me now:
“One ought to not long for what has passed away,
Nor be anxious over things that are yet to come.
The past has left us, the future has not arrived.”
We breathed loving kindness to those who we loved, and those who had wronged us, made peace with our pasts, and enveloped the world in our puppies and rainbows feelings.
Given we were not supposed to kill mosquitoes, this was the hardest part of the day for me, as the sun usually set during loving kindness time.
I watched as one of my fellow meditators clapped her hands and killed a mosquito in the row in front of me, boldly breaking the rule. I resolved to direct my loving kindness towards her.
6:30pm – Tea and Bathing Time
Which was not tea, as caffeine was not allowed, but rather a welcome cup (or in my case, three) of steaming hot chocolate.
I followed this up with splashing cold water from the shared well onto my sarong-covered body. This is how we bathed. I yelped in spite of myself at the first bucket of water – ‘twas a cold surprise.
7:30pm – Sitting, Group Walking, then Sitting Meditation
The evening culminated with more meditation. We walked as a group around the two ponds – the men in one row and the women in another. Dim candles lit our way as we paraded, ever so mindfully and silently, under the stars in the forest monastery, in the small town of Chaiya, Southern Thailand.
9:30pm – Lights Out
I ventured back to my dorm, and checked the area for scorpions and centipedes. Satisfied that there were none, and somewhat thankful for the spiders in my room (after all, they were not required to practice loving kindness towards mosquitoes), I laid back on my concrete bed, covered myself with my mosquito net, and drifted off to sleep rather easily.
For practical information on how to do the meditation yourself, read this post.
TripLogic says
I think I could take the silent meditation but the scorpions and centipedes no way! Brave girl you are 🙂
Kristin Addis says
Luckily I never found any in my room. It was the mosquitoes I feared!
Ashley of Ashley Abroad says
Wow, this is so inspiring! I would really love to do this, the sand-raking chore sounds so peaceful. Where was the monastery, or is that a secret?
Kristin Addis says
It’s Wat Suan Mokkh in Chiaya 🙂 You can get there via Surat Thani.
Lauren @ AllThingsGo.co.uk says
Wow this is exactly what I’ve been researching. Was this a retreat where you pay or was it where donations were accepted instead?
Kristin Addis says
It’s a compulsory donation but of only 2000 baht (USD $60). I thought that was amazing for 10 full days with meals included. Given, you are sleeping on a concrete bed, so there’s no luxury whatsoever. That said, it’s not a money making endeavor at all for them. Their intentions are pure and I really think highly of the wat and the experience I had there. I’ll be posting later this week with information on how to prepare and how to get there!
Lauren @ AllThingsGo.co.uk says
That’s probably the level of donation I’d give anyway and it sounds like you got an amazing experience out of it. I look forward to the details!
Chana Saiwongpanya says
Let me know when they publish your autobiography. Reading stuff like this heals the soul.
Kristin Addis says
Haha, get me an agent and let’s get that ball rolling 😉
Julia Hudson says
This sounds like how I wish I were ringing in the new year – Koh Tao, by the by, is one of my favorite places on earth, and I found it brought me to a really spiritual place as well – not surprised meditation was inspired while you were there!
Kristin Addis says
I hate to say it was actually the party atmosphere that turned me off on Koh Tao! I have heard it has changed drastically in the past few years, though. When were you there?
Jeremy Albelda says
Wow, sounds like it was a pretty amazing experience. I had an anthro professor in college that made us meditate for the first 20 minutes of every class (class was only 50 minutes too!) and I honestly started to feel a difference. Just appreciating the now is the way to be….
Kristin Addis says
That’s awesome! Sometimes being quiet and knowing it’s ok to just take a moment and de-stress is the difference-maker in an otherwise chaotic day.
Andrea Nicholas says
This sounds like perfection. I’ll definitely be bookmarking this post!
Kristin Addis says
Thank you and wonderful 🙂
Andi Perullo, L.Ac. says
Wow…just wow! Talk about doing something brave!!!
Kristin Addis says
Thank you 🙂 I’m really not that brave. Maybe just impulsive!
Alexa Hart says
What a way to start off the new year! Have you been practicing meditation since then? The hardest things for me would be the bugs and the sitting. I would want to change my positions and lie down. Meditating in a chair is way easier than sitting down. That’s tough! How did you feel afterwards?
Kristin Addis says
I have to admit, I was so meditated out I haven’t done it since. I am starting to feel up to it, though! We weren’t allowed to lay down during meditation – very rude in Thai culture. Surprisingly enough, had no issues with sitting long term and i thought I would!
Alexa Hart says
Haha, I would have been meditated out too! Did you also go eat a big meal after that?
Kristin Addis says
My friend Kyvely and I went and got ice cream sundaes twice in a row.
Callie says
Wow – good for you! Loved reading this. I want to do this a little later on in my trip. I have to admit I’m terrified of silence, no coffee and no killing mosquitos – so it’s nice to get an idea of what to expect!
Kristin Addis says
It seems like it’s going to be so hard, but in reality, i was actually happy not to have to talk to anyone. I found the silence really peaceful. I still killed mosquitoes from time to time. I was a bad nun. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Dave Barger says
You made the right choice to skip out on the Full Moon Party. I was there in September and distinctly remember thinking, this is it? An overcrowded beach party is so famous for…? I’ve wanted to do the Vipassana retreat for some time, but every time I’ve wimped out thinking about uncomfortable meditating positions. Glad to hear you say it wasn’t half bad!
My question for you is, what do you feel you gained out of it? My friends who’ve done it said it really did bring a new sense of calm in their lives. They also consistently said the main problem was that they didn’t keep practicing meditation afterwards. Do you plan to start meditating again or have you had enough for a while?
Kristin Addis says
I haven’t meditated since I was there, to be honest. I feel like I gained a lot of perspective that I lost once I was back in the real world again. I guess it goes to show that ten days isn’t going to change your life, but it sure does change some things. I think it was worth doing it.
Emma Ross says
Strangely, or may be not, I’m thinking about doing this at this coming New Year.
You don’t say much about not being able to talk, did this bother you at all?
Am back to work after Easter tomorrow and intend on reading the rest of your blog there….. Only 7 months until I leave the UK!
admin says
At first I was actually really happy that nobody could talk to me, because I think we were all fighting some internal thoughts/battles, and I didn’t want anyone’s opinion souring mine. There are moments of heaven and moments of hell when you can’t talk. There are those who will always smile really warmly at you, though, which is a lovely way of communicating nothing and everything at the same time.
I will say towards the end I was DYING to talk to someone – anyone! It does get hard. All-in-all, though, it was far from the hardest part.
Thanks for reading 🙂
Jeremy says
I’m going to Thailand in a couple of months and I’ve just added this to my list of things to do. This is exactly the type of thing I’ve been dying to do for the longest time.
Kristin says
I’m glad to hear it!
Annika says
Hi there, I’m planning on doing this retreat. Just wanted to know if there was yoga? Annika
Kristin says
Every morning for an hour and a half.
Ian Baker says
What are some of the Monasteries in Thailand, that if the elder monks see potential in the student, they will invite the student to join the monastery and allow them to meditate all day long??? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Simon says
Hi Kristin, interesting read!
How early did you arrive to register? I would like to attend next year and I like the sound of your sand-raking chore but not so much the toilet cleaning!
Kristin says
I must have arrived around noon, maybe earlier. I think some of the people who arrived before me didn’t realize the bit about the chores. Someone had given me a head’s up so I made that the first thing I did!
Anonymous says
Hi Kristin,
Just wondering if you can you can bring a sleeping pad like a therma rest instead of sleeping on the concrete? Or is it part of the experience? And when you get there how do you sign up for your chore? Thanks!!
Kristin says
They really discourage it because they believe it’s part of the experience, but I don’t think they’d completely prevent you. You can ask about the sign up sheet when you register.
Inma says
Thanks for writing this post. It actually has just presented itself as a great way to heal and to spend a different NYE. I will definitely think about it.
Kristin says
Definitely. It was a big help for me in a lot of ways
Mcah says
Hi, I was wondering if you’d recommend this to a 21 year old woman with no experience of yoga, meditation, etc?
Kristin says
It would be great to read up a bit on Buddhism first because without the background it may be hard to grasp. I think this book is excellent for that: http://amzn.to/1WS871B
VickyNesci says
Wow this is amazing. I’ve been looking for yoga retreats and meditations classes in SEA and this seems to be one of the best things to do. I trust you had a great experience and that is safe for solo women travelers. I will give this a try this year. Thank you so much.
Kristin says
This is probably the most authentic experience of its kind that you can find. It ain’t easy but it’s so cleansing.
David says
Kristin: I’ve thought of doing this retreat ever since i read your blog some time ago. So February 29, I did it. Thank you. It was amazing. Writing to you now from Mad Monkey, Siem Reap.
Kristin says
That’s wonderful! I’m so glad you did it and liked it! Was it restorative? How’s Mad Monkey? Can’t believe that was all so long ago now and I’m dying to go back and retrace my steps.
Tiffany Freeman says
This is so beautiful and is confirmation.
I was just in Phuket for few years and found it so awful. The low vibration of the party scene leaves me feeling rather frazzled afterward. Have thought about heading off to a forest monastery, came across your blog post. Got to follow the signs 😉
Thank you for sharing your mutual feelings
Kristin says
Awesome! If you go let me know how it goes for you!
Courtney says
Thanks for writing this post because this is definitely something I want to do when I visit Thailand! I was just wondering, is there any point during the trip where you can be on your phone? Just to check in with people back home?
Kristin says
Nope! You have to give them your phone.
Alanna says
I am going travelling for 2.5 – 3 months in SE Asia. Would you recommend the silent meditation retreat at the beginning or closer to the end of the trip?
Thanks!!
Kristin says
Gosh I don’t know. It would set the tone or wrap it up mindfully. Depends on you!
Manj says
Hi Kristin,
Thanks for the post!
You mentioned somewhere here
“I’ll be posting later this week with information on how to prepare and how to get there!”
Just wondering if you have written a separate post relating this please.
Many thanks
Manj
Kristin says
Hi Manj, I guess I never did, however you depart from the bus depot in Chiaya to get there.
Lori says
I am heading to Suan Mokkh in 2 days. 57 yrs old. I appreciate your post it was helpful and comforting. Lori
Kristin says
Enjoy it!
Kate says
Hi! I’m going to Thailand in a month and really want to do this retreat after reading your post! Do spaces fill up on a first come first served basis? And is it necessary to get there quite early the day before to definitely get a space?
Also do you know what style of meditation it is? E.g. Vipassana?
Thanks 🙂
Kristin says
It’s Vipassana and I got there in the AM the day of and was able to get a spot but I do suppose it’s possible it could fill up as they don’t allow reservations. I would get there as early as possible.